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Bury Me With My Favourite Banjo

In this second part of the third chapter of Two of a Kind: Muraki's vaguely religious Mexican funeral! A wussy lord of the underworld! And our second Mary Sue, Ketessa!



Tatsumi's POV:

Walking into the Chief's office, I resort, "Tsuzuki and Hisoka will not be in today, Chief."

He looks up at me and asks, "Why not?"

Do I tell him the truth [He'll either have you thrown in Afterlife Insane Asylum or laugh in your face. Worth a try, I guess.] and believe that he will not turn neither of them in? Tsuzuki's pain was to much for me to take and I could not stand there while watching him cry over another man, who loved him as much as I did. [Yes, why don't you explain the entire Sweet Valley High relationship dorama to Konoe? I'm sure he'd love to know what his employees are up to these days.] The chief is staring at me and waiting for me to give him an answer. Taking a seat in front of his desk, I respond, "They will be going to a funeral today, sir."

He gives me a surprise look and asks, "Who's?" [See, it goes like this. You take the dictionary out of the shelf. You open it. Then you look up words. Questions?]

Looking down at my hands, I answer him with the truth, "Muraki's."

He replies, "What!?"

Staring at him, I give him a sad look [which he pockets, quickly catching on to the theme of this fic,] as I reply, "If I tell you what is going on, will you turn them both in for something that they cannot help?" He shakes his head [Heck, who would he tell? Seriously. I doubt King Enma himself is interested. Hakushaku is perving over Tsuzuki. Is there someone else Chief Konoe could run to? I forget.] and I know I can trust Chief Konoe. Choosing my words careful, [unlike the author,] I explain, "Kurosaki has been seeing Oriya, Muraki's friend, [there's really no reason why I have to rat on Hisoka as well, but I'm on a roll here,] and Tsuzuki has been seeing Muraki. I do not know how that relationship starting but Carton attacked. [Wow. That sentence made almost as much sense as Carton's attack itself!]" Taking a deep breath to tell the Chief all the details, I explain, "Muraki pushed Kurosaki out of the way to save his life but it cost his own life. Tsuzuki was pretty upset and requested to attend the funeral." [Wait, that's it? All the details? I see Carton's sudden and inevitable betrayal was a surprise to no one.] Looking at the Chief, I wait for a respond. [But Chief Konoe seems to be all out of random words.]

He lets out a sigh and asks, "How are they doing?"

Responding while I stand up, "I do not know, sir. [What? You were there!] Tsuzuki was very upset and Kurosaki is trying to help out his lover and his partner." Turning around to look at Chief Konoe, [who has for some reason teleported behind me,] I ask in a fearful voice, "Will you turn them in?" He shakes his head[, wondering how many times he has to reassure Tatsumi that the big bosses are far too busy to give a toss when it comes to their employees' dysfunctional relationships]. I release a breath that I did not know I was holding in. Looking at the clock, I respond, "I must be going. [The clock tells me the sun is setting!] I have something to do." He nods to me [stunned by his secretary's sudden lack of manners] and I leave the office to find Terazuma and Wakaba looking at me with concern in their eyes. [They have been staring at me from the doorway the entire time I was talking with Chief Konoe. This is, of course, normal behaviour in this fic, so I let it go.] [And I see we're out of anime universe and in manga universe now. Okay.] I can understand Wakaba with that look, but Terazuma that is surprising. I ask, "What is it?"

Terazuma, "Where is slacker?" [That's a new low. Author, if you can't be bothered to TYPE WORDS, what's the point in writing fiction? Why not get another hobby, one that would better suit your lethargic nature? Cloud-watching, for example. That's nice and relaxing, and requires no linguistic knowledge whatsoever.]

Smiling at him while I state, "He and Kurosaki have the day off. When they return, please do me a favor, Terazuma." He gives me a dirty look. [No, Terazuma. He doesn't mean that kind of a favour.]

Wakaba answers for him, "Anything, Tatsumi. [Oh, canonical characterisation. I wuv you.] What can we do?"

Answering her while I push my glasses up, "Please be kind to Tsuzuki. He is depressed right now and will need his friends with him more than ever."

Kira speaks up as she walks in, [Aaaghh! Where did she come from?!] "He needs someone else but you would not understand that, Mr. Tatsumi." [I HATE YOU SO MUCH, KIRA SUE.]

Giving her a sad smile, I reply, "I might not understand, but I know that is what he wishes for. For Tsuzuki I will do everything in my power to give him back the person he loves no matter what I think of the person." [...So... you're going to raise a murderer from his grave. Just to keep Tsuzuki happy. Um, Tatsumi, how about you try giving him an apple pie first and see how it goes from there?]

She gives me a smile and replies, "They will not bring him back. They will not give him a chance to be immortal even if his demon blood gives him strong powers."

Tilting my head to the side, I ask, "What do you mean by that, Miss Kira?"

She answers, "He is half-demon, Mr. Tatsumi. The same as Asato Tsuzuki." [And of course it's your place to decide when personal secrets are revealed, Kira Sue. Of course.] She bows her head to us all as she resorts, "I must be going. [I only teleported to Enma-Chou to remind you of my awesomeness.] I will see you all soon. I am sure of that. [Alas. I'm sure you will.]"

We watch her walk out and I reply, "Do not repeat a word to anyone, you two." They both nods their heads. I know Terazuma will not say anything to anyone. Even if he acts like he does not care about Tsuzuki, he does. [What incredible insight!] Walking away, I reply, "Get back to work, you two or I will dock your pay." Walking out of the building and heading over to the building that will hold an answer that I need. [So they were in a building, in Enma-Chou, and then Tatsumi walked out, into a building. Wow. I'm stunned by the vivid imagery here.] If I do not ask, then I will never forgive myself for not even trying to help Tsuzuki through his pain. The building stands tall and I walk inside to see a young woman in her twenties sitting behind a large oak desk filling out paper work. Clearing my throat to get her attendance, I reply, "Excuse me, Miss."

She looks up and gives me a sweet smile as she replies, "Hello, Mr. Tatsumi. It is nice to see you again. [We've missed you here in Building.] What can I do for you today?"

It is not everyday that I request to see the Lord. [He isn't actually going to...] Maybe I should come back later. No, that will not work. I need to do this now. Looking at her, I ask, "May I see the Lord?"

She gives me a surprise look and answers, "I am not sure about that, Mr. Tatsumi, but I will check for you."

A young girl's voice rings out, "He will not be seeing Lord Emna. That pleasure will be mine alone." [Why hello, Mary Sue number two!]
Turning around to face the new comer, I think, "That voice sounds formerly." [What? Honestly. What the hell do you mean? Is this some kind of word art? Are you a tortured genius?] She has on a dark pair of jeans with a black belly shirt on that fits her frame. [Unlike those other belly shirts that are extremely loose. I'm also dismayed that we only seem to get proper descriptions of someone's appearance when said someone is a Mary Sue.] It is her eyes that startles me. They are purple. [See? That's one Sue point right there.] Who is this girl? I ask, "Who are you?" [Tatsumi is wondering who the girl is, in case it wasn't clear.]

She answers while giving me a cold glare that send chills down my spine, "My name is Ketessa. [And I'll be your Mary Sue #2 tonight! Here's a cold glare for you; I brought my bag of Coldness and Sadness with me as ordered. My eyes are speshul, I'm speshul, and you will do as I say from now on, because I'm always right. Any questions?]"

The girl behind the desk gives a fearful look at Ketessa ["Shit, we're infested with Sues again. I better call the exterminators and have the place fumigated."] as she resorts, "Lord Emna [ENMA. Please.] is through those doors."

She points to the door and I watch as Ketessa walks through the doors to the man I wish to see. I ask, "Is everything all right?"

She answers with a fearful voice, "I am not sure. I just sensed great power in her [TM] and she was very upset about something. [That's why I had to obey her and let her in to see our boss. What, didn't you see her eyes? How am I supposed to deny a Sue anything?]"

Tsuzuki's POV:

We all arrive at the burial site. I lost my control in the car and Soka had to comfort me. [When Tsuzuki loses control, scary things tend to happen. I sure wish he didn't summon any kami in that car.] Wishing that Kazutaka was the one comforting me, but I did not say that to Soka. Looking at the grave that my love will be bury in soon, I notice the priest is there. [Oriya really is well-connected to get a priest to come in to perform a funeral service on a minute's notice. Incidentally, this wouldn't happen to be a Christian priest, would it? Because somehow I doubt either Muraki or Oriya was a big fan of Jesus.] Whispering to my love, as I put my hand on the castanet [ROFL. Is Muraki going to be buried in his best mariachi band outfit? Perhaps you meant CASKET. And who the hell carried the casket there and put Muraki in it? Isn't this supposed to be a secret funeral?] , "I will always love you. I wish you will still here. [I also wish I could make some sense, but alas, it is all in vain.]" Tears roll down my face as Soka hugs me, I stutter, "I... I... don...'t un..ders...tand. [I... t...ook medi...cat..ion f...or thi...s dis...eas...e bu...t i...t does...n't se...em to b...e work...in...g.]" It is too hard for me to believe he is gone forever. I will never see his gentle smile he gave me when I needed someone to understand the pain that I was going through. [Oh, the pain of screwing around and being a bitch to your boyfriend! Oh, woe! Oh, the suffering!] Everyone around me knows that I had a troubled past, but they don't understand the pain behind it. They will never be able to comforted me as Kazutaka did. Kneeling down beside the grave that will mark the end of my lover's life and mine as well, [This might come as news to you, Tsuzuki, but you are dead. Your life already ended once. Your ex-lover's grandfather was partly responsible. Just in case you forgot.] I whisper, "My love. Oh, Kazutaka, I hope you understand and know how much you meant to me."

Oriya walks to us and replies, "He knows, Tsuzuki. You gave him something that no one could give him as he did for you[: sex of the butt]."

Standing up, I mumble in a bitter voice, "What was that?"

He answers while staring at the dark clouded sky, "Understanding. You understood his pain that not even I could understood. [I just wish I can understooding them grammars and tenses.]"

It is the first time that I have saw [BUY A GRAMMAR BOOK.] Oriya have tears in his eyes for the loss of Kazutaka. Now, I understand that Oriya is going through the same emotions as I am. [Their close relationship somehow didn't occur to me before.] He knows how it feels to lose the one you love, but his love is different than mine own. [It's our love, Precious. We owns it! It is ours!]

Oriya states, "The funeral will not be long. The priest will say a few words and that will be all. [Seeing as none of us are Christians, and I don't even know why I risked calling in a priest at all.] I don't want to stay here listening to someone who will never understand Kazu."

Nodding my head in agreement, I respond, "I believe Kazutaka would have agreed with you." He only smiles at me and Soka stands by his side. That is where Soka belongs right now. He has to help his lover through this pain.

The priest walks to us and states, "I will keep this short as Mr. Oriya requested. [Seeing as I apparently don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, thanks, by the way, I heard that.]" He takes a deep breath and speaks up, "May the soul of Kazutaka Muraki rest in peace and may his love ones be able to move on with his blessings as he watches from the skies above." [Oh. This is apparently some kind of a special religion-free priest.]

Watching the priest walk away with a surprise look on his face ["Wow. I could swear I was called in to this funeral for absolutely no reason. Well, better get back to Unspecified Church of No Particular God."] towards Oriya, I whisper low enough for me to hear, [I have to be careful, because sometimes I actually speak so quietly that I can't hear what I'm saying!] "Watch over us, Kazutaka. [Yes. Dead murderer: your new personal Jesus.] Please, help me." Falling to my knees as I sob and let my tears run freely down my face, I whisper, "I can't live without you, Kazutaka." I can't promise you that because I don't know how to live without you. Oh, please, come back to me. It starts to pour down rain and I think, "It is raining. [Could be just me, though!] That makes it even more sad. You hated the rain." Now, I will hate the rain for as long as I continue to live. [Goddamn rain. Rain's a bastard. I'm going to personally work on advancing global warming so that there will be nothing but sunshine for the next hundred years.]

Oriya walks to me with Hisoka [tucked safely under his arm] and puts his hand on my shoulder as he speaks, "It is time for us to head back. [Where are they, anyway? Oh, almost forgot. Description gives the author a nasty rash. She must avoid it whenever possible.] We can give you a few minutes alone."

They walk away from me to give me some time. The time means nothing to me any more. If it is not with him, then I don't want it. [I'd like to exist outside time instead, if only to prove some physicists right.] I want to be with him, in his arms, and away from this cruel life. [Okay, you're grieving, but cut down the damn whining. Your life was just fine before you got involved with Dr. Rape!] This cannot be happening. The pain is to flesh [Or maybe you meant fresh. Y'know, just a thought.] and to real for me to deal with. What do I do now? How do I move on? Staring at the castanet, [and the Mexican hat Muraki loved so much,] I whisper, "I love you, my dear Kazutaka." Standing up, I respond [to myself, as my sanity slips away,] as I walk away, "Maybe someday I can say good-bye to you, but right now I can't bring myself to say it. You will have to forgive me, my love." I walk to Oriya and Soka while they stare at me with concern and sadness in their eyes. It will be soon that Soka and I have to returned to work. Tatsumi would have told Chief Konoe what happened and he will know the whole truth. I don't care if they take my life, but they will not do anything to Hisoka. [Oh, and Tatsumi would put you both in danger like that because...?] That I will make sure of. Tatsumi had no choice to say what has been happening. [Actually, he did. He could've lied or kept his mouth shut. But never mind that.] I will give up everything because there is no point of living. Our ride back to KoKakuRo was silent and I did nothing but stare out the window. It wasn't like I could see anything new. [I've been to Undescribed Place a million times before.]

Oriya offers, "Please stay the night, Tsuzuki. I am sure your friends told them that you will not been in today."

Giving him a grateful look, I respond in a broken voice, "Thank you." Walking to the room that I shared with Kazutaka that night before his death, I whisper to myself, "It will be soon that nothing will matter. [I thought nothing mattered to you now?] I will have my revenge and then I will join you. No matter where you are, Kazutaka, I will join you." It means nothing to me any more. [YES. I GET IT.] The pain is to great to bare [It caused seven heart attacks when it put on a bikini!] and the dreams of the times we had are haunting my being. It is those dreams that I wish to get lost into, but I wake up from them and remember that Kazutaka is not lying next to me. What will happen when I start to have nightmares once again? No one will be there to wake me up to stop the demons within my soul from destroying my being. [*points frantically at Hisoka, Tatsumi, Watari and all Tsuzuki's other friends*] What happens if I become what I hate the most? [...What exactly do you hate the most? Because I thought it was evil murderers like Muraki, but obviously the author was reading some other version of YnM.] Who will be safe from me? Lying down on the bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling, [which is especially creepy because I'm lying on my stomach,] I hear the whispers of a man who is dead. [Okay, NOW it's creepy.] My eyes close to get lost into my dreams once again. [Ugh, stupid neck eyes! Get out of my dreams!]

It is raining out side with thunder shaking the ground. [Wow. That's some storm.] Looking over at Muraki to see him reading a book to keep his mind off the rain, I ask, ["Where are we now? Is this a dream or a flashback or both? And why is this scene here, anyway?"] "What are you reading, Muraki?"

He looks up and shrugs his shoulders as he answers, "To be honest, Mr. Tsuzuki, I have not been reading any of it. [Because the damn rain is distracting me. Fucking rain. I hate it so much I'm considering moving to Sahara desert.]"

Taking a seat on the white couch [in Whereverthefuck Mansion], I ask while tilting my head to stare at Muraki without him really noticing, "What have you been doing then?"

He responds with a grin, "Checking out your ass." [Har har har.]

Feeling the heat raise [questions about whether the author understands "rise" and "raise" are separate words] to my cheeks, he chuckles at me ["I can feel your cheeks growing hot! ROFL!"] and I resort, "Stop teasing me." He only chuckles more and [then sticks his dick in an apple pie to prove he's successfully morphed into a stupid fratboy] that is when I first realize that is the first time I heard him laugh. [Hm. I remember Muraki's laughter very vividly.]



Turning to look at the fire place, I ask, "What were you really doing?"

He replies with sadness [I'm starting to become allergic to this word.] in his voice, "Thinking about the past as I always do when it rains, Mr. Tsuzuki."

Mumbling as I rub my hands together, "Sorry for bringing it up." He takes a seat next to me and holds me. It feels nice to have his warmth next to me. Why does he make me feel wonderful when my own lover can't do that? [Gee whiz, I just don't know. Maybe you should constantly ask yourself rhetorical questions about it or something.] Turning to face him, I mumble into his chest, "Why is it you?"

He asks, "What do you mean by that, Mr. Tsuzuki?"

Answering him while I lean up to look him in the eyes, "Why is it you that I found comfort when I can't do that with Tatsumi?" He gives me a sad look [*scratches at own back* Damn allergic rash.] and I can tell he is thinking of a way to respond to my question. [I can tell because I'm very specially smart!] He is about to pull his arms away from me and I grab his arms as I resort, "Please hold me."

He replies, "I will do anything for you, my dear guardian of death. Even if that means that I will be left out in the cold."

Staring at him, I ask, "Do you love me that much, Muraki?" Always asking him that question and receiving the same yes to the question. Why does Muraki love me when I might never return those feelings? Why does he make me so confuse when I'm with him? Why can I tell him everything but can't say anything to Tatsumi? These questions are racing through my mind and it is driving me insane. [Me, too. Enough with the constant wondering and pondering over stupid crap! It's not deep and meaningful, it's just waste of good question marks!]

He answers with a gentle smile, "I love you that much and more. You have no idea how much I love you, Asato. You brought something back to me that I thought I lost a long time ago."

Tilting my head to the side, I ask in a soft voice, "What is that, Muraki?"

He answers while kissing my forehead, "You brought my true self back. It is hard to explain. [Especially if you're the author of this fic. Hey, Muraki's true self is a woobie, okay? Why can't you just blindly accept it??]"

Responding to him while I lean into his warm body, "I guess I can understand. In a way you help me with my problems and ask for nothing in return. [*spurts tea out of her nose*] I can't ever begin to repay you for everything you have done for these past couple of weeks. [Stupid weeks. Always getting into trouble. Thank monkey you were here to put things right.]"

He whispers in my ear, "I need nothing in return, my dear Asato. [But if you're offering, I'd like to screw my dead half-brother's decapitated head onto your body and kill you over and over. How about it, snookums?] As long as you are happy then I will be all right with that."

Wrapping my arms around his waist, I respond, "But you are lying. You won't be all right if I can never return your feelings. You may not believe this but I know what it feels like to love and never have it returned." His hold on me tightens and I understand that he wishes not to discuss this any longer. Looking at the clock, I notice it is [almost full moon] one in the morning and don't care to return to my home. Whispering as I look up at Muraki, "Can I stay here for the night? I don't want to go home." [Because my ICKY BOYFRIEND is there. Ew, Tatsumi! Hack, spew!] My tears are ready to fall from my eyes [only waiting for the starting gun] and I hope he will not be upset with me for not telling him that Tatsumi and I had a huge fight this afternoon. [It's so hard to guess you two aren't doing great. I know I'm always running off to make sweet love to psychos by the fireplace when I'm in a relationship.]

He answers, "Of course. I know you do not wish to discuss what happened between you and Mr. Tatsumi, but I wish you would."

Lying my head on his lap, I explain, "Well, he thought that I was cheating on him with Hisoka again because I was out late with Hisoka. [But Jack and Darren found me first and then I had sex with the entire football team while the swimming team watched and what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, my relationship.] I tried to tell him that I went with Hisoka to Oriya's and he didn't believe me." Taking a deep breath to hold back my sobs, I continue speaking in a sad voice [Goddammit. I need some lotion for this rash.], "Then I told him that I will not stop talking to my best friend because we had an affair that was his fault in the first place. [And then I had sex with both of the Gushoushin brothers in front of Tatsumi, just to show him!] [God, this fic's Tsuzuki is such a Sweet Valley High slut. Like, it's TOTALLY my boyfriend's fault that I sleep around! But I won't dump him or nothin', 'cos I care about him, honestly. Why won't anyone believe and pity meeee?] I really messed up this time."

Muraki runs his hand through my hair as he resorts, "No, you did nothing wrong. [Trust me. I don't give two craps about other people, either; I know what I'm talking about.] You were upset about what he was saying and you said things that you did not mean. I am sure if you say you are sorry he will forgive you."

Wiping my tears from my eyes, I whisper, "But I'm not sorry for saying it. He said worse things to me. [Granted, I treated him like crap, cheated on him, and am cheating on him even now, but he said I had a big ass! The nerve!]" I know I am acting like a child getting caught in the middle of an act and is whining about being found out, [Yes... You could be onto something there.] but I don't care. Muraki has never judged me and he won't start now. [He loves me for my infantile, dependent self.]

He chuckles as he replies, "[Relationship drama is so funny! Cheating and lying; what wonderful entertainment!] Then do not say anything to him for awhile. I bet you that if you stop talking to him for awhile, he will say he is sorry for the things he said to you." [Thank you so much, Dr. Rape. I don't know what I'd do without you. *canned audience applause*]

Looking up at him with a grin on my face, ["You're right! It is great to lie and use other people! How did I not see the fun side of dysfunctional relationships before?"] I ask, "Do you think that will work, Muraki?" He gives me a gentle smile and nods his head. Staring at the fire, I ask, "Is it all right to be like this?"

He looks at me confuse and asks, "What is?"

Closing my eyes, I answer, "Being like this." [I don't understand the question, nor the answer, but maybe I don't even want to.] Taking a deep breath before explaining what I have been thinking about for the past week, "I been thinking [in mah head] about ending it with Tatsumi. [No! Surely not! Where did THAT come from?] I mean I still feel for him, but it is not enough. Besides, I think I love him as a friend. I just don't know any more. Since meeting you at that bar, I have been thinking a lot about ending it with Tatsumi. I know it was the end a long time ago." Catching my breath as I try to stop the sob that is ready to break, [but in the end, it's only a little cracked] I resort, "It's just I don't want to be alone any more, but Tatsumi can't understand that or doesn't fill that need in me." [Stupid Tatsumi. Almost as bad as rain.]

Muraki resorts in a warm voice, "I want to ask you something, but you have to promise that you will not be upset with me and disappear after I ask it."

Opening my eyes to look at Muraki, I answer, "I promise."

He leans his head back while closing his eyes as he asks, "Do I fill that need in you, Mr. Tsuzuki?"

It doesn't make me upset by him asking the question, but I'm upset with myself because I don't know the answer. Does he fill that need in me? [I can't tell you how much I DON'T CARE.] He runs his hand through my blown hair [only somewhat disturbed by the giant windmills] to make sure I am not trying to leave him alone. [Jesus. If Muraki's tendency to rape and murder people doesn't make him flinch, how's one stupid question going to do the trick?] Watching his chest raise and fall, I reply, "I'm not sure. I mean you do make me feel comfortable and not alone. I just don't know what to say."

He opens his eyes to look at me and smiles while stating, "Maybe I will ask that question another time then."

Sitting up in the bed, I begin to cry because [I'm so confused. Is this a dream sequence? A flashback? Am I on drugs?] he never had the chance to ask that question to me again. The answer is yes. [I, for one, am flabbergasted.] It will always be yes. Why does it have to end like this? When I finally found someone who understands me and fills the need in me, they leave me behind.

Ketessa's POV: [NO! Not another Sue's POV! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!]

Walking into the dark room with little light from the candles, [I'm not at all surprised that the light of the candles seems to be following me around, as I come from the proud and irresistible race of Mary Sues] I whisper, "I know you are here." Sensing his presence in front of myself, I stand before him without fearing the great Lord Emna. [PROUD AND IRRESISTIBLE!] I have no choice, but to be here. The pain I can feel is so great. [You, too? Can't you find any original angst? Go poke a badger with a spoon and then feel bad about it or something. /blatant Eddie Izzardism] It is his dreams that drive him into insanity. [Who are we talking about, by the way? Are you on the same drugs as Kira Sue? You make about as much sense.]

Lord Emna speaks, "Yes, I am here. I see you come to me in your true form [and I must admit the purple eyes are a nice touch. Speshul, yet completely unoriginal. I'd applaud if I didn't want to have sex with you so much. Can we be BFFs now, or shall I simply follow you around and wait for your commands?] with the name of the ancient demon, Ketessa."

Tilting my head to the side with amusement in my voice, I respond, "That is the name they gave me so long ago. Now, let's get down to business, Lord Emna. [Let's get DOWN. Try not to be blinded by my perfect body as I throw my knickers away.]" If it was anyone else to show such disrespect to him, they would not be standing any longer, but I am different. [But of course you are.]

He resorts, "Of course. Why have you come? [I swear, you have such a hair trigger. I didn't even touch you yet. Not that my fingers aren't itching to do just that, o wondrous Sue-sama.]"

Snapping my fingers to make a chair appear behind me, I take a seat in it as I begin to speak, "Carton killed someone that I wish you to bring into your fold. I am sure he will agree for he has someone he loves. [Carton? No, this is Muraki, isn't it? Love conquers death, mm-hmm. Work those clichés, girl.]"

Lord Emna explains, "I cannot do that and you know it. [Only you and your friend, Kira Sue, could possibly perform such a miracle. I can't even pull on my ethereal socks in this universe.]"

Smiling even though he cannot see it, [although he CAN see your true form. Uh huh. Carry on.] I reply, "But you can. He would make a great asset to you, Lord Emna. [And seeing as you're ONLY the ruler of all the dead and the underworld, I bet you're completely unable to decide who to hire. Just thought I'd extend a helping Sue hand.] For he is the one who can calm Asato's power [Oh, on first name basis with the main characters, are you?] and he is the one who holds that man's heart."

Lord Emna asks, "Who would that be? [Manlove? Among my employees? I must know more!]"

Leaning back against the chair, I answer in a cold tone [*twitch*], "Kazutaka Muraki. He is much like Asato in many ways. [And also very much like my Mary Sue friend, Kira. And her mother. And everybody else.] He will accept your offer. [He might need a little time to think about it. I mean, lords of the underworld offer to bring him back from the dead all the time.]"

Lord Emna mumbles, "I would guess he would. What do I get in return for giving him back his life, Miss Ketessa. [I'd ask, but then I'd have to use an icky question mark.]"

Answering while I stand up with a cold dark voice [Ooh, an upgrade! Cold AND dark!], "You will not have me end this place. [*sputters* I think this is the most ridiculously overpowered Sue I've ever seen. You'll simply "end" the entire underworld if you don't get your way, uh huh. Sure.] They dare attack what holds my heart and expect me to back off. [Is someone collecting Sue hearts? Because I recall Kira was missing hers, too.] You of all people know that I have no problem ending this place. I do not like this world and I have the power to end it. [I'll destroy the underworld, all the dead in it and your afterlife employees, and then build a car park here.]"

He resorts, "I know what you can do. Answer me this first, then I will have to think about my response to your request. [What's there to think about? Do you WANT the entire underworld to disappear? Just kill her where she stands. Sits.]"

Looking around at the candles that barely light up the room, I reply, "Go right ahead."

He asks in a low tone, "Do you do this because you need his powers as well [Oh yeah, this Sue is clearly in need of MORE powers. She can only destroy an entire world with a snap of her fingers.] or does this have to do with Mr. Tsuzuki?"

Now, that is a question I have to think about. Is it for his powers that I need to carry out my revenge [You too, huh? Okay. Your personality obviously consists of Sueness and nothing else.] or is it because of Asato? Knowing the answer in my heart and my mind, I respond, "Both."

He gives me a puzzle look as he asks, "Why both?" [Because you must never let this ridiculous scene end. Keep on asking useless questions! Keep stalling! Come on, there are some readers who are still awake!]

The million questions. Should have took a [remedial English class] rain check on the meeting? [You're the one who marched in and demanded to see him, Oh Sue of Little Sense.] I explain, "I do need Kazutaka's [First name basis with him, too? Mm-hmm. I know I'm not surprised.] powers to carry out my revenge but I cannot stand Asato's pain. He really loves Kazutaka." [So I'm going to bring his boyfriend back from the dead in order to use him for my own purposes. That's nice and helpful of me, isn't it?] [Why, oh why is everyone so hell-bent on bringing Muraki back for Tsuzuki? Losing the psycho boyfriend was the best thing that could've happened to him. Am I the only one who still remembers that killing Muraki was a top priority for the main characters for most of the series?] Looking away from him, I mumble, "Please bring Kazutaka Muraki back and let Asato Tsuzuki have some kind of life." [I agree with the last bit, but I'm pretty much convinced it's never going to happen in this fic.]

Lord Emna answers with sadness in his voice, "I will do what I can. If Kazutaka Muraki wishes to return, then I will grant it." [I'm sure he is very sad to have to kowtow to the Sue like this.]

Turning to leave the dark room, I reply in a cold voice [I take out of my pocket], "Carton is mine to kill, Lord Emna. [Oooohh. You're after the other baddie of the story. Well, at least you won't have to race Kira to the guy she's vowed to kill.] He will pay for bringing pain to Asato's heart. [Of course, this could've been prevented if someone had bothered to lift a finger against Mr. Evil a bit earlier, but never you mind that. Just brace yourselves for the bombshell the Sue number two is about to drop.] He will pay for bringing that pain and sadness to my father's eyes and heart." Walking out as I think, "Now you know who Asato Tsuzuki is to me. He is my father, Lord Emna. [...How the fuck? If Ketessa is Tsuzuki and Muraki's butt-born lovechild from the past everybody's conveniently forgotten, she's going to be breaking some kind of a Sue record!] Keep that in mind before you also try to use him against me. [He's been an obedient little lord of the underworld and given you everything you've asked for, Sue. Cut him some slack.]"

[And so we reach the end of another long-ass chapter. Just for a lark, I ran both of our Sues through the Mary Sue Litmus Test. Even when I was trying to be nice and lenient, Kira still scored whopping 136 points. Even Ketessa scored 77, and she's only been in this fic for two scenes. Keep in mind that the scale stops at 50. Anything over that is "Kill it dead."

Yeah. If only.]


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