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The Return of Dr. Rape, part two.

Here we go, the rest of Two of a Kind, chapter two. It's made of bubblegum, man-chests and tragedy.



Hisoka's POV: [He exists? Oh, thank the lord of disco!]

Staring out the window, I sense Tsuzuki in trouble from his dreams. I want to save him, but Muraki has more right to be with him than me. [*gnaws on own kneecaps to keep from screaming*] Feeling Oriya's arms embrace me from behind, I lean into him as I whisper, "Tsuzuki is in trouble."

Oriya asks with concern in his voice, "What do you mean?"

Turning around to face my lover [HAY GUISE I CAN HAS BOIFREND LOOK LOOK LOOK] and holding him, I explain, "He had a nightmare or something like that." Oriya is still upset about Tsuzuki and I. Of course, I understand why. It was only three months ago and he still have trouble trusting me around Tsuzuki. [Oh, I almost managed to forget that part in all this overblown drama.] He is so understanding. [Especially towards psychos like my killer!] I mumble into his chest, "Muraki took the curse back. I'm free from him." [What the fuck. That came completely out of nowhere. They were just discussing Tsuzuki's nightmare.]

He replies, "He told me early. He told me that he would have done it sooner but the curse took a lot of time to undo." [Aww, that kind, helpful Doctor! Did he give Hisoka a nice apology, too? Did they hug and laugh together as they put the past behind them?] He takes a deep breath before asking, "How does that make you feel, Hiso?" [HISO? First Tsuzuki calls him "Soka" and now Oriya has decided to avoid using his whole name, too. NO. The canonical Hisoka would hate that kind of cutesy crap.]

Smiling against his strong chest [I have a feeling the author has a manchest fetish.], I resort [NO. DICTIONARY.], "Free. Great. I know he regrets what he has done. [And that makes it all okay!]" Oriya still loves Muraki but I'm okay with it. [Just pile on the relationship drama; I've stopped caring. I'm waiting for Chief Konoe, Terazuma and Hakushaku to join in. Whee! It's a yaoi orgy! Bums for everyone!] He also knows I still love Tsuzuki. It is strange to think of our lives. [It seems to me we once solved cases and had actual lives instead of weak soap opera drama. But it was all so long ago...] Feeling Carton's emotions were so over whelming, [Look, could you give me some kind of a warning when you change the subject? Maybe ring a bell or something?] I state, "Carton is trying to take Tsuzuki and I down."

Oriya asks, "Why?" [Thank you. That's what I've been wondering.]

Shrugging my shoulders, I respond, "I don't know why. He doesn't like our department. That is all I could sense out of him. [The author hadn't bothered to put anything else in his useless, undescribed stock character head.] Mr. Keyis seems to try to keep him away from us. He is the one who is helping us keep the secret of us being together alone Tsuzuki and Muraki." Something is going to happen and it is not good. I don't like this feeling. It is a past that doesn't belong to me but it some what belongs to Tsuzuki. [What. How can you only partly have a past?] Should I tell Oriya that I think his niece is up to something dangerous? [If he hasn't figured it out by now, don't bother, he's hopelessly dumb.] She wishes for no one to stand in her way and her emotions are dark and cold. [And full of tragic sadness!] What does she want from Tsuzuki? She also wants Muraki but for what? Kira is a dangerous person and I feel that I have to help her as well. [For some very odd reason! It couldn't be because she's the Suest Sue who ever Sued, could it?] I should fear what her powers are like, but I have no fear of that. The fear I have is that she will get hurt or worse killed. [This chapter's title is "Death Comes". I have hope.]

Muraki's POV: [Speaking of getting hurt or killed...]

Laying my beloved on the bed, I slowly run my fingers through his brown hair. Who could have said those words to him [is not a question without the proper punctuation]. The same words I used to gain him. [Oh, this is not emotional blackmailing, this is sweet and innocuous romance. Honestly. Hey, they're getting hitched, isn't that great?] He is not calming down and I am starting to get worry about him. All the research I have done have not gave me [Owww. That hurt my brain.] this side of him. Pulling him against my body, I whisper in his ear, "You are human, my love. More human than I."

He wraps his arms around me and replies, "Thank you. [I'm glad you can admit that you lack humane responses. Did Psychos Anonymous help you take that step towards recovery?]" Asato takes a deep breath before speaking, "You are human too."

Kissing his forehead, I whisper, "Thank you, my dear Asato." There is an odd power around this place. I wonder if it is Kira who is projection [PROJECTING] that power. [Gee, I wonder! Hey, let's talk about the Sue! We haven't heard of her in almost two paragraphs!] Kira is more powerful than the other soldiers [of Sadness] and more dangerous. There is no fear of her in my being. [In some saner universes, "I'm not afraid of her" is preferred.] She is much like her mother. [And father. And this lamp post here.] Kira must have a deep revenge in her being to be force to live on with the power she has inside. Feeling Asato move in my arms, I ask, "What is wrong, Asato?"

He answers while staring at the clock, "It is day break. [That's a pretty interesting clock, able to tell when the sun rises and all!] How long have we been like this?"

Moving my eyes to look out the window [with the help of a steam-powered crane], I respond, "We have been up for a few hours, my love." [So, the sun tells you how many hours it's been, and the clock tells you when it's sunrise? Okay, just checking.] He wishes to leave for fear of the soldiers finding out about us. That is what I fear the most. If they find out about us, they will take Asato away from me. If that happens, then they will have hell to pay. I cannot lose him. [Blah blah blah. These "soldiers" are a completely ineffective plot device, because they come from fucking nowhere and are not explained in any way. Excuse me for not feeling the dramatic tension here.]

He replies, "I need to get up and see what is going on with the others." He turns to face me while he resorts, "Yes."

Raising an eyebrow at him, I ask, "What?"

He gives me a gentle smile as he speaks, "I will marry you." [Don't leave me, sweet sanity! There is life after this fic! There are purring kittens and steaming cups of Mojito Blues tea!]

Lying Asato on his back, I cover his body with my own and kiss his neck. Smiling against his neck, I whisper in his ear, [only mildly repulsed by the fact that my lover's ears grow out of his neck,] "You have enough time for some fun, my love." He moves and rubs against my clothed erection. Moaning into his ear, I pant out, "We can make it quick." [Oh, thank the lord of dance.]

He stutters out, "As . . . as . . . lo . . . ng a...s yo . . . u don't te . . . ase m...e." [Was he stuttering? I hardly noticed!]

Unbuttoning his shirt to show me his well tone chest, I mumble, ["Thank god, you haven't spontaneously grown boobies yet!"] "I would not dream of it." Taking one of his nipples into my mouth, I hear him grasp out. [It was a very loud grasp, then?] This is what I want. [Loud grasps and a man-chest to nibble on? Well, you and your strange kinks are in luck!] He buckles up as I kiss his hip. Loving every moment I listen to him moan out. His voice is driving me nuts with lust. [Nuts with Lust! Sounds like one of the soft porn movies from the seventies, doesn't it? Either that, or a Chip and Dale erotic fanfic, but let's not go there.] Undressing my beloved with little time, I breathe out, "Beautiful." Standing up and hearing Asato hiss in protest, ["Nooo! You're ruining it! You're supposed to call me an ugly whore!"] I respond, "I will blow your mind soon enough, my love." [That sounds exactly like something Muraki would say. Let me just reiterate that no sane person should ever have sexytiems with Muraki, okay?] Asato's purple eyes' sparkle [does what? And thank you SO MUCH for that reminder, again! I can't believe I keep forgetting the colour of everybody's eyes!] and haze over with lust. Climbing on top of him, I proclaim, "Now to blow your mind, my beautiful guardian of death." [I do proclaim that's freaking hilarious.] Slowly I kiss down his chest [OOH MAN-CHEST, HOW YOU ENTICE ME], stopping to give him love bites all over his perfect body, and dripping my tongue in his navel. [...Dripping? No, I'm not going there, thank you very much.]

He lifts his hips up to show me how hard he is ["Wow! You have a boy-thingie! I never noticed before!"] as he speaks breathless, "Please. Take me." [Unfortunately, since Muraki doesn't speak Breathless, he simply stares at him.]

Staring at his gorgeous eyes, I think, "I can live as long as I have him." I give into his demands and take his hardened length into my mouth. He lifts up his hips more and I have to move my arm around his waist to prevent myself from chocking on him. His moans are making me lose my control. I want to thrust into him raw and primal. Bobbing my head up and down his manhood while scrapping [SCRAPING, and I don't even know why I bother.] softly with my teeth to give my beloved more excitement, I think, "He is more beautiful with lust in his eyes and his body." [After sex, he turns back into a pumpkin.] Raising my head, I stare at the man who will be become my husband. [*weeps* Just keep poking that wound, will you?] His body is so flush with desire and lust and I love the way he is looking right now. [Yes. So you said. I thought this was supposed to be a quickie? Move the fuck on.] I am sure that the whole establishment heard his moans and screams. [Yeah, all high-class brothels have really thin walls. Privacy, bah. Let everyone hear you scream like a banshee!] Licking his sweat off his neck, I whisper in his [neck-buried] ear, "Ready for the real fun to start."

He pants out through grasps [GASPS, for the love of ass] of air, "Yo...u sai...d th..at you wou...ldn't te...ase me." [What could cause such an awkward speech impediment? Obviously it only plagues Tsuzuki.]

Chuckling against the nook of his neck [next to his mutant ear and somehow quite close to his hip as well], I mark him [with a rubber stamp] as I reply, "I lied." [What a shocking surprise, coming from Muraki!] Asato is to out of control to flip me on the bottom and tease the hell out of him. [What.] Grabbing the lube from the table next to the bed, [not questioning how it suddenly materialised there. Oh, wait! It's a brothel! You want to know who else has been using that lube, Doctor?] I whisper, "It is time for our real fun." [He had to repeat everything he said to Tsuzuki, because Tsuzuki's neck ears were full of wax and he was, let's face it, not the sharpest sharp thing in a box of sharp things.] He spreads his legs for me and I almost lose myself with the picture of my lover all wanted. [Engrish is fun! Let's Engrishing, everyone!] Sliding one finger inside his entrance, [past the revolving door, the red carpet and the doorman who wishes me a good morning,] I hear him moan out my name.

He begs, "Please. Take me, Kazutaka. I need you inside of me now."

How can I refuse such a plea like that? My love wants me now and I will give him what he wants. Sliding my finger out and putting my hard erection outside his entrance, [The doorman kindly points out the car park.] I mumble, "You are so impatient, my beautiful Asato." I slowly move inside of him while he wraps his legs around my waist. Feeling his hands against my chest, I moan, "Oh, [man-chest! Caress my firm man-chest! We must have as much man-chest action in this fic as possible!] Asato! So tig...ht!" He moves his hips forward and I reward him by thrusting into him harder. Losing control with my thrusting and him moaning, I grab his hard cock and move my hand up and down. We find a pace for both of us, not too slow and not too fast.

He screams out as he ejaculates over our stomachs, "Oh, god! Kazutaka!"

I thrust into him a few more times before I lose myself to ecstasy as I fill my lover with my seed. [Fill him? This isn't going to turn into that notorious balloon Ranma fic, is it?] After pulling out of him, I fall on top of him to calm our breathing and beating of our hearts. [I calm it by smothering him to death. He looks very calm once his heart stops beating.] I pant out, "S...o beauti...ful, As...ato Tsuz...uki." [Shit, the stuttering is spreading! I'm starting to think it's some kind of a STD.] Climbing off of him, I reply [once again to a question no one asked, either because I can read minds or because the author DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF SIMPLE WORDS], "We need a shower." He smiles at me and nods [like a good brain-washed whore]. We both walk into the bathroom.

Watari's POV: [Can it be sanity tiem nao? Plz?]

Walking in the dining room to see Tatsumi sitting down and talking to Mr. Keyis, I resort, "Good morning." [*twitch* All the inging... can't... cope...] Tatsumi gives me a glare and I just smile at him. Guessing he is not pleased with all the noises we heard ten minutes ago, I think, ["That's odd. Tatsumi would never show his displeasure that openly, nor take it out on other people. This must mean... Yes, we're still stuck in a strange universe, where words lose their meaning and characters lose their personalities! Dammit!"] "Tsuzuki should be quiet. I swear."

Tatsumi asks, "What kept you, Watari?"

Smiling at him, [although the sides of my mouth are starting to hurt from all the repetition,] I explain, "I was tired and it didn't look like we had work." [Good boy! I knew I could trust you to make sense!] Observing the room, to my surprise Carton is no where in site. I ask, "Where is, prick?" [Oh. There goes all that sense and good characterisation, then. Did he just randomly demand to have a penis? Why is he British? Why can I not have one character who still acts like his canonical equivalent?]

Mr. Keyis answers, "If you are talking about Carton, then you missed him about three hours ago." [When you were driving your DeLorean through space and time, and almost shagged your mother!]

Thinking to myself while I take a seat next to Tatsumi, "I wonder what he is up to." He has it out for Tsuzuki and I was sure that he would do anything in his power to prove him as an enemy. [Yes. Carton = eevul. You may move on now. Perhaps throw me an adjective or two to describe what he freaking looks like, how about that? Right now, I'm imagining him as a scarred milk carton with red eyes, cackling in the corner somewhere.] Swearing under my breath as I take a cup of coffee that is sitting on the table for me. [I know it's for me because it told me so! Then I place my ass cheeks on a chair that is just for me, too!] Looking around for bon, I notice he is also missing. Asking while I stare at Mr. Keyis, "Where is bon?" Tatsumi turns his head to show me that bon is outside. ["Oh! Thanks for showing me the survaillance camera on the back of your head!"] I guess he is with Oriya. It is funny how those two became lovers. [And repetitive and disturbing as well!] Who would have thought that bon would fall in love with his murder's best friend? [How do you befriend a murder, anyway?] Then again who would have thought that Tsuzuki would be with Muraki? The world today. It is driving me nuts. [Yes. You're on the right track there, Watari. Perhaps you still have a chance of making it out of this weirdo universe alive.] Looking over at Tatsumi, I wonder, "How can he remain calm about this?" [He isn't. He just glared at you.] I would be flipping out. We all have our secrets. I should know that to well. How long as it been for me to be in love with a man who would never look my way? [I don't know, because that little tidbit just came from absolutely nowhere!]

Mr. Keyis asks in a concern voice, "Are you all right, Mr. Watari?" [I'm the GOOD stock character. Let me demonstrate!]

Shaking such thoughts out of my mind, I respond with a smile on my face, "Of course. Nothing wrong here." I cannot believe I let my face show my pain of the past. It doesn't matter any longer. Learning that a long time ago, I will never tell him my feelings. Never reveal it and I will never be rejected. [Don't give in to the angst of sadness, Watari! You're my only hope!] Noticing Tsuzuki and Muraki walk into the room, I resort, "Hello. Good morning you two."

Tsuzuki blushes while replying, "Good morning, Watari." He looks at everyone else and responds, "Good morning to you all." [Good morning, trees! Good morning, butterflies! Good morning, clouds in the sky! Good morning, not-evil stock character! Good morning, coffee cups! Good morning, trees! No, wait, let me start over...]

Muraki asks, "Do you know where Oriya went to?"

Tatsumi answers him with a calm cold voice, "He went outside with Kurosaki."

Muraki bows his head and responds, "Thank you."

Watching him walk out, I tease Tsuzuki, "Where were you last night, Tsuzuki?" [Fucking the psychopath. What the hell do ya think?] He blushes and doesn't respond. It is fun to tease the hell out of him. [Stop it. He gets enough of that from his psychotic husband-to-be. And I can't believe I just wrote that without my head exploding.] He is so easy to pick on. I did this all the time with him when he dated Tatsumi. [That, at least, I could sort of see.] Tatsumi gives me a glare and I respond with a smile. [Because it's in my programming!]

Tsuzuki replies, "I'm going outside for fresh air. See you in a few."

He walks out and Mr. Keyis looks over at the door way. I turn my head to see Kira standing there with a grin on her face. This girl is powerful and very mysterious. [FOR THE LOVE OF FLUFFY.] I wonder what her story is. She turns to look outside and her facial expression turns to fear and anger. [From sass to sadness, and back again! The amazing rotato-mood Mary Sue!]

Tsuzuki's POV:

Walking outside to see Oriya lying on the ground unconscious [y'know, as usual. He really should lay off the hard drugs, but I try not to judge.] and Hisoka staying there with fear in his face, I yell out, "Watch out, Soka!" This cannot be happen. [Surely it is unpossible!] [Yes, I'm recycling my own jokes now. The repetition in this fic is getting to me.] Staring at Carton, I think, "Why he is doing this? [Oh, he's there? But of course. Something evil is happening! It must be the evil character, whose evilness is all we know about him!] We did nothing." Unable to move, [as I stupidly ran into the same trap as Hisoka,] I reply to Hisoka, "I can't move." ["I didn't even say anything," Hisoka says. "I'm too stunned by the confusing way this scene is described."] He is frozen in place. Sensing the others run out of the building and noticing they are frozen in place, I explain, "It is a spell!" [Naturally, no one noticed him casting the spell. Why, it's only a group of highly-trained shinigami, their lovers and friends, a house full of prostitutes and guests, and some stock characters. Who could've possibly seen anything?]

Carton grins as he speaks, "Yes, it is. It is time to end this game. The time for his return."

Muraki responds as he stands on his feet, "I am afraid that will not happen. Your powers are nothing for me to handle." [My Canon Stu powers are great! Bow before them as I shed white feathers and cherry blossoms!]

[Incidentally, what is the all-powerful Mary Sue doing? Just grinning like the smug bitch she is? Or crying tears of infinite sadness?]

My fear is raising [kids and living a simple life somewhere in the mountains, away from this stupid story]. Oh, please, Kazutaka do not do anything that will end your life. Carton attacks Hisoka will a sword. [What.] He is a fool. We are immortals. We can heal from any wounds. [It still fucking hurts, though, doesn't it? And I thought only Tsuzuki was actually unable to die?] Why is Muraki running towards Hisoka? [I have no idea. This scene is so damn chaotic, I'm expecting a bunny marching band and a green elephant parade to turn up any second.] Watching my lover push Hisoka out of the way to take the injure, I howl, "No!" [Whaddya know. Muraki is just plain stupid. There go all his precious brain-washing plans.] Carton disappears [conveniently, now that his evilness is no longer needed,] and I run to Kazutaka. He is lying there with blood soaking up his white suit. My tears fall down my face [instead of down my knees, as usual] as he tries to wipe them away. I mumble, "Kazutaka. You promised." [The bunny marching band pick up their tiny little violins and start playing a sad tune.]

He groans out, "I a...m sor...ry, m...y lo...ve. [I... sh...ould ha...ve wor...n a con...dom... Th...en I wou...ldn't hav...e cau...ght y...our stu...pi...d stutt....ering d...ise...ase.]"

No, he can't die. I just find him. Needing him with my entire being, I scream as I feel his life force slipping [on all the gooey clichés that are gathering around us], "No! No! You can't leave me alone! Not after I said yes!" My words are making no sense. [Thanks for finally noticing!] Whispering in Kazutaka's ear as I pull his body closer to me, "Let me die with you."

He voices out, "No. No, you must live. Promise me." [Your astronomical bill from Clichés R Us just came in. Cash, check or credit card?]

I can't promise him that. He will not hear my words for he is gone. My beautiful Kazutaka is gone. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I look up to see Tatsumi's sorrow eyes for me. [He put the new sorrowful pair on just to console Tsuzuki.] Screaming in the air as I shake Kazutaka, [quite baffled that I seem to be airborne all of a sudden,] "No! Please come back!"

[So. Muraki heroically, selflessly sacrificed himself so that Hisoka wouldn't get a nasty, itching papercut. Can we honestly get any farther away from canon?

Excuse me. Must go scrape my brain from the walls.]

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