NeekerBreeker (skinship) wrote in ficbitch_anon,
NeekerBreeker
skinship
ficbitch_anon

  • Mood:
  • Music:

M is for Moon language, Muraki and Mary Sues

The Yami no Matsuei: Sweet Valley High Version continues!



Tsuzuki’s POV:

It is dark outside with lighting hitting the ground [Someone switch the lights on so that we won't have to make do with these torches!] with every step I take. Feeling the damp cold night through my skin as the wind blows all around me. [Yet again. Wow, are we caught in an endless loop?] It is like a storm of power is around me and never leaving. Having this dream night after night with feeling the loneliness of this one girl. Never knowing what she looks like or her real name. Always wondering who this girl is. [Okay, first of all: Hisoka is the one with empathic powers. And second of all, HELLO MS. MARY SUE. She comes to him in a dreeeam. What a suitable entrance.] Observing the scene before my eyes and noticing the large tree with cherry blossoms dropping from the branches like blood dripping from victims of the dead around the girl who haunts my dreams with a request of helping her. [I hate this sentence structure like cherry blossoms which are like drops of blood which are like the dead that surround ghost girls who need help. Or something.] Walking to her, I ask, “What is your name?” Always asking while hoping she will reveal herself to me. Why is this girl have so much meaning behind those sad sky blue eyes? [An excellent question. Why indeed? WTF do we care? This dream doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of the fic. Oh, except the weird fascination with eye colour, but that plagues all anime fandoms.] It is like I know her or at least should know who she is to me.

She looks up at me as she answers, “I cannot give you that information, Asato Tsuzuki.” [Oh, right. The revelation of her awesome Sue name deserves its own scene later.]

Watching tears fall down her face as I wipe them away, I state, “I don’t understand what you want from me.” I feel drawn to this young girl. This girl reminded me of someone I once knew. It is only her sad looking eyes that I really can see.

She replies while turning her head from my touch, “You will know soon enough. I need your help, Asato Tsuzuki. I am losing this battle against the one they call Saki.” [...Who is DEAD. But I guess in YnM that doesn't mean all that much.]

Remembering Muraki mentioning that name before, I ask, “Who is he?”

She answers while standing up, “He is a demon who is the lover of a true descendant of darkness. [Demon? Oh, right. He allowed himself to be shot and decapitated and tested on, somehow managing to keep his true nature a secret. Sure sounds odd, but go on, ficcer, convince me.] He will come soon.” She turns away from me before she asks in a shy voice, “Do you love Kazutaka Muraki? Is he your true lover?” [See, she can't possibly tell him her name or what she'd like him to do, but she can gossip about his love life.]

Thinking to myself, “Am I really in love with him or is it lust that draws me to him?” [I think you have hell of a lot more problems than the old love-versus-lust issue, but never mind me.] I know I’m attracted to him. Sighing to myself before answering, “I do not know that answer.”

She turns around to stare me in my eyes, “But you do know that answer. Take your advice and stop lying to yourself. You will know who I am soon. You must do me a favor.” [Straight from the Sue factory, folks.]

Replying to this teenager girl, “Anything.” Watching her catch the cherry blossoms in her hand as I think, “She needs my help. I have to help her, but why? I don’t know her or do I?” [I understand your confusion, Tsuzuki, but you're powerless against the mighty Mary Sue. Just dance to her tune like a good little dead slut.]

She answers while fading into the darkness of my dream, “Warn Kazutaka that his half-brother has returned and will be going after his friend, Oriya. Not even Oriya’s lover will be able to protect him from that demon. Please fight and never give up. Your true love is in front of your eyes, Asato Tsuzuki. [Your lucky number is thirteen. To hear more about your fortune, please insert another coin in slot.]

Screaming as I watch her disappear before my eyes, “Wait! I don’t understand!”

Feeling someone shaking me, I jump to a sitting position. Silver and blue eyes staring at me with concern, I ask, “Was I talking in my sleep?”

He speaks, “Yes. You were yelling for someone to wait.”

Sighing to myself as I ask, “Who is your half-brother?” [You missed his speech the first time around? I guess you were pretty doped up, come to think of it. Here we go again, How Psychopaths Are Made.] Staring at his face while seeing the anger behind those eyes that has my soul and my heart. [Anger has your soul and your heart? Perhaps to Yoda you should listen. Help you he can, yes.] Take my own advise and stop lying to myself. That is right. The reason why I broke it off with Tatsumi is because I found myself in love with someone else. I found myself in love with our enemy. The only person who knows about Muraki is Hisoka. To my surprise, it took less time for him to accept the fact I was seeing Muraki than I thought it would take. [Sure. In BIZARRO!UNIVERSE.]

Muraki answers, “He was the one who took everything from me. Why are you asking about Saki?” [*warily hands over the golden star of good characterisation*]

So, I was right. Putting my head into my hands as I state, “He is back and he is going after Oriya. Don’t ask how I know this. I know this sounds crazy, but there has been a teenager girl in my dreams telling me that she needs my help.” He thinks I am crazy now. [Nah. You're just in a bad yaoi fic written by a teenage girl. This is completely normal behaviour, considering.] Listening to his soft breathing, I ask while not looking at him, “Do you believe me?”

He answers, “Yes, but I like to know who this girl is?” [He shows more interest in the Sue than in the fact that his only friend might be in danger? More interest than in the fact that Saki is alive? Dude, he dug Saki up and tried to bring him back to life just because he hated him so much that he wanted to kill him with his own hands. This Sue must really be something!]

Shrugging my shoulders, I reply, “She told me that I will know soon. By the way, what time is it?” [Yeah, yeah, plot stuff; like, whatevs. Idols is on.]

Muraki smiles at me while answering, “You have about three more hours before you have to go to work, Asato.”

Staring at him while stating, “Like I’m ever on time, but I have a feeling that I need to be there on time.” [What a wonderfully awkward sentence that was.] I lean to kiss the man who can save me from myself. [Who, Brian Welch?] I hear my phone go off. Looking at the night stand next to the bed, I state in a cold voice, “Great timing.” [Since when has Tsuzuki been cold? That's the second time he's been described as such in this fic. Tsuzuki cares too much; that's his problem. The Ice Princess routine simply isn't in his books.] Muraki hands me the phone and I answer without looking at the caller ID, “Hello.”

He answers, “Asato, can we talk?”

Sighing to myself, I think, “He needs to stop this. I feel enough guilt for letting our relationship last this long.” [Yeah, stupid Tatsumi for needing to discuss things. Can't he understand that Tsuzuki is the one in paaaaiiiin here? What a selfish jerk!] Feeling Muraki’s lips on my neck as I tilt my head to let him have better access, I state to the person on the phone [Just say it's Tatsumi. You made it clear already. Unless Tsuzuki is two-timing another person.], “Make it quick.”

He replies, “I am sorry, Asato. I do not want our friendship to end because our relationship did not work out.” He sighs before he asks, “What do you see in Muraki?” [Why, all that sexy insanity, of course. Isn't it obvious?]

Shock by him knowing I have been seeing Muraki, I ask in a quiet voice, “How did you know?”

Muraki whispers in my ear, “I called Mr. Tatsumi to tell him to take care of you earlier.”

Turning to stare at Muraki with anger but sighing while seeing him turn his face from me. [That's it. Don't object to his manipulations; just accept it all like the victim you are. Good boy.] Speaking to Tatsumi over the phone, I let my heart do the talking, [Oh come on, give your poor heart a rest! It's already struggling with ten different things!] “He changed. [You keep saying that. He keeps proving otherwise.] I’m so sorry, Siichiro, [or whatever the fuck your name is; I still don't care one whit,] but I’m in love with him. I can’t explain it.”

He sighs while stating, “I hope you are right, Asato. For everyone’s sake as well as your own.” [Poor Tatsumi. If only you had a brain and could see Tsuzuki needs help, stat.]

Smiling as I reply, “I’ll see you in a couple of hours, Tatsumi.” I hear a click and know he has hang up on me. Knowing this will take some time for him to accept alone understand. [Let's have that again in an Earth language.] Looking at Muraki, I ask, “Why did I not see that I’m in love with you until this moment?” [Don't ask me. I'm not even seeing it now.]

He shrugs his shoulders as he speaks, “I have no idea, my love.”

Feeling the warm lips on my neck once again, I moan, “Kazutaka, make love to me.” Lying on the silk sheets [and rose petals. Don't forget the rose petals. Perhaps some white feathers and cherry blossoms would also be appropriate.] and pulling the man I’m in love with [And who is that? JUST USE THEIR NAMES.] on top of me. He is the one who completes me. [Blah blah, DIY yaoi.] Needing him with all my soul. It is him who can make myself live. [Interesting proposal. You sure you want to go back to being a mortal and give up all your neat shinigami powers?] Does he feel that way towards me?

He mumbles while licking my ear, “You are thinking to much, my dear Asato.”

Losing my mind to the sexual pleasure Muraki makes me crave, [but not feel. Why yes, this is sex between two consenting, sane adults. No doubts about that.] his hands rub against my risen nipples while softly kissing my neck. Moaning out my lover's name, "Kazutaka." He is my power, hope, and my greatest weakness. I can't stop loving every part of this man [instead of that man in the corner, whom I only love up to his elbows] who has his strong hands over my bare chest. [OOH, STRONG MAN-HANDS ON MY MAN-CHEST! It's so hawt and yaoi I could scream!] It is driving me nuts with pleasure and pain. Wanting this to go faster as I plead, "Please. More." Buckling my hips to show him how much I want him to take me over and over again. Hearing him hiss in my ear at the contacted. [I'm seriously considering Moon language lessons at this point. I have a feeling I'm missing so much.] This pleasure I'm feeling is driving me into madness. [Well, you're with the right person, then.] Is this wrong to love a man who once tried to kill me for his own revenge? [If you gotta ask...] Feeling the coldness below my waist, as I think, "When did I lose my pants and when did he lose his shirt?" [Okay, if your penis suddenly feels cold during hawt yaoisexx0rs, it's probably not a good sign. And duh, Tsuzuki. You're a teleporter yourself. You could simply jump out of your clothes, as far as I know.]

He pants out, "Yo...u ar...e so beaut...iful, As...ato." [This looks less like sexual arousal and more like an awkward speech impediment.]

Feeling a warm hand around my [ice-cold] hardened length, I moan, "Oh, gods! Yes!" Raising my hips up to make more contact, I realize he still has his pants on. Stammering out the words, "Th...at's not fa...ir. You st...ill have y...our pa...nts on." [That's not a stammer, that's a bad case of hiccups!] All brain functions have shut down as my body reacts to every feathery touch. [Fatal logic error. You can't react to the touch without a working brain. Please reboot.] Muraki's hands work magic on my body. [Soon, he pulls a rabbit out of Tsuzuki's ear and then finds the card he chose earlier shoved where the sun don't shine.]

He chuckles as he whispers with his husky voice, "I guess you need to fix the problem."

My hand slides between our heated bodies as I unbutton his pants while I hear him moan from the contact. Trying my best to pull down his pants, but it is hard in our position. Mumbling in his ear, "This is not easy when you are on top of me." He stands up and pulls down his pants with his silk boxers. [Silk boxers, but of course. Dr. Rape wears nothing else.] My eyes glace over his fine body. I never realize how beautiful he was until now. [You also didn't realise you were in love with him. Wow, what a coincidence! Again!] He is built like a swimmer. I need to ask him if he swims or what he does to keep his fine body like that. I was always attracted to him, but this is far more than I first thought it was. [It's so much... finer!] Feeling the heat of his body on top of me once again, I plea [Put down the dictionary before you hurt someone. Put it down.] with lust in my voice, "Please. Take me."

Kazutaka slowly whispers in my ear, "Be patient, my dear Asato. The more the tease, the more the pleasure."

Watching him staring at me with love and lust in those eyes, I lean up to kiss him passionately. Our tongues do a battle of their own while I feel his hand running down my body that sends waves of pleasure throughout my body. I moan into the kiss and he pulls away while we both trying to catch our breaths. I want him so badly. Pushing Kazutaka on the bottom while speaking in a husky voice, "I want you now."

He looks at me with surprise in his lust filled eyes [But if they're filled, how is there room for surprise? Does it sort of cling to the lashes?] as he replies, "I see you are not very patient, Asato."

Slowly kissing Kazutaka neck, I feel him purr against my lips. [Then he suddenly throws one leg up and starts licking his own ass! Aww, how cute!] It feels so nice to feel his soft skin on my skin. I take one of his nipples between my lips and suck on it to send pleasure throughout his body. Wanting to show Kazutaka what he does to me when I'm with him. Lowering myself down to view his beautiful man hood. [Tsuzuki must really have a thing for medieval clothing.] It is a prize I can't wait to have inside of me. Licking the tip of his length and feeling him trying not to thrust himself inside my mouth. I love teasing him as much as he enjoys teasing me. Kazutaka flips me to the bottom again. I knew all I had to do was tease him for a little while to get what I want from him so badly.

Kazutaka responds in a seductive voice, "You are horrible, Asato, [Oh wow, I'm overwhelmed by his charm.] but I will give you what you want."

Observing him grab lube from the night stand and smiling as I state, [This language, it is from the Moon! Please can I get a Moon-English dictionary, at least?] "You were teasing me much longer then I was teasing you." Feeling his finger push inside of me and screaming in pleasure. It is driving me nuts. All I want is him inside of me. I beg, "Please. Kazutaka."

He chuckles while stating, "It will hurt if I don't prepare you, my love." [Muraki always laughs delightedly at the thought of hurting someone.]

I push my hips towards his fingers. Buckling up in the air as I feel him hit my posterior. [POSTERIOR. After all this hawt yaoing around, you can't say "asshole"? Why not crank up the pretentiousness and call it "derriere"?] Hissing at Kazutaka in protest as he takes his fingers out of me. He leans down to me to kiss me passionately and I wrap my legs around his waist to give him access. He slowly pushes in me as I moan into the kiss. He leans up to let us get oxygen into our lungs. I pant out, "I'm fine." [And so are you! Baby you're so fiiine! And our author needs a thesaurus!] He starts to thrust into me and I scream out, "Oh, god! Yes! That's right!" Buckling my hips to meet his thrusts as I grab the sheets with my hands. Feeling his tongue against my neck, I moan, "Oh, god. Kaz...tua...ka. Mor...e. Fast...er." [Okay, stop that. It just looks ridiculous.] I can tell he is almost there by the way he thrusts are faster. Feeling his hand around my hard cock, I scream in pleasure, "Kazutaka!" My mind going into a haze as I see white stars when I cum all over his stomach and mine. I moan out my lover's name as I feel his seed fill me inside, "Kazutaka." He collapse on top of me after he pulls out of me. We calm down our pounding hearts and catch our breaths. In a hoarse voice, I state, "That was amazing." [And oh so generic. Great job, author. You have certainly studied your ff.net and mediaminer.org well.]

He whispers in my ear, "Yes. That was amazing, my love. [And fine as well!] You need a shower and head back."

Looking over at the clock, I reply, "Yeah, you're right." ["You can give me some head, but give me a minute first, okay?"] He rolls off of me to let me stand up. I sit up in bed as I observe him lighting up a cigarette. Leaning over to grab a couple of drags of the cigarette before I go take a shower. Blushing my lips [I think you meant "brushing". But why start proofreading now?] over his soft lips, I mumble, "Love you, Kazutaka."

He replies, "I love you, Asato." [With all the feeling of a dead parrot.]

Muraki's POV:

Watching Asato go into the bathroom from the corner of my eye as I hear my phone ring. I answer, "Hello."

Oriya asks, "Can you come over today?"

Leaning back against the bed board, I reply, "Of course. What is wrong, Oriya?" [Hmm, could this possibly have something to do with the warning you received before the sex? You know, the one you utterly ignored?]

He answers with worry in his voice, "My niece is here and I think something is wrong with her. She refuses to see any doctor expect you. If you are busy, then... [Then I guess I just have to let her die. Up to you, my friend!]"

Hearing the water stop in the shower as I respond, "I will be over in an hour."

He replies, "Thanks, Muraki."

Hearing a click to let me know that he has hang up the phone, [Wow! You are ever so smart, Doctor!] I ask, "What are you doing later, Asato?" Watching him walk out of the bathroom with a towel wrap around his waist, I ask again, "What are you doing later, Asato?" [Seeing as he's a bit slow on the uptake.]

He looks over at me and answers, "Not sure. It will depend if I have a case or not." He pauses when his phone ring as he asks, "Can you pick that up?" [What a great idea! Have the enemy you're sleeping with answer your phone! Surely nothing bad will happen!]

I answer while grabbing the phone from the night stand, "Of course." Clicking the answer button, I speak, "Hello."

Boy asks, "Is Tsuzuki there?"

Responding while watching Asato getting dressed, "Yes, but he is busy right now." Still enjoy teasing the boy. I guess old habits do not die easy. [Oh, you silly little rapist, you!] Sighing to myself when Asato glares at me, I mumble into the phone, "He is getting dressed. Is it something that I can tell him?"

He answers, "Just tell him that we have a case and he needs to be here on time." He sighs before speaking again, "Listen to me. Don't you dare hurt Tsuzuki or so help me..."

Cutting him off as I reply, "I would not dream of it. You have nothing to worry about, boy." [What is it with Muraki and his sudden inability to say Hisoka's name? If I trusted the author to be that subtle - and I don't - I'd take that as the first credible sign of guilt.] Asato walks over and grabs the phone out of my hands while smiling at me.

Asato speaks, "Hisoka. What's up?" He pauses while listening to him speak and replies, "Sure. I'll be there in a little while. Bye." He hangs up the phone and turns to look at me while stating, "I'll call you later and be nice to Hisoka." [Yes, now that he's already raped and tortured him and made him suffer a slow, painful death. What exactly are you afraid he might do to him next, Tsuzuki? Stick gum between the pages of his books?]

Leaning up to blush [BRUSH!] my lips against my lover's, I mumble, "I will try my best." While watching him leave, I put out my cigarette and head to the bathroom. Observing the room that my new lover has left a mess, [at some point the ficcer didn't bother to inform the readers about] I sigh and mumble to myself, "And I still love him." [Even though he's messy! Oh Dr. Rape, you're so forgiving and kind!] Hopefully he left some hot water for me to take my shower. I turn on the water and feel the temperate to get into the shower. To my surprise, Asato left enough hot water for me to finish my task. Remembering the past events as the water runs down my pale skin. I cannot believe Asato is my lover now. [Me neither. Literally.] After everything that happened, I was sure that we would never be together. Since that night, I didn't believe we would find each other again.

*Flashback* [Oh for Pete's sake.]

Walking down the white hall to go to my office, I slowly open the door to find Asato standing there in his entire suit [Not one sock was missing! It was a miracle to behold!] and staring out the window. Clearing my throat to get his attention, I ask, "What are you doing here, Mr. Tsuzuki?"

He answers without turning around to look at me, "I was wondering how you can look at people and tell them their love ones are not going to make it." [It's easy when you're a psychopath.]

Walking to my chair calmly while stating, "That is what a doctor does, but I doubt that is the reason you are here."

He turns around to stare at me while replying, "I wanted company." [Slut.]

It looks like he had another fight with his lover since there are tears flowing down his face. I do not know what to say to this man anymore. ["No" doesn't enter into his mind, of course.] Learning the hard way of what my revenge could do, I have nothing to give him. Sighing while I ask, "What happened with Mr. Tatsumi?" He turns his head to look out the window again. Writing a note while stating, "I can tell you are upset about him. If you want company, you can tell me what is wrong."

He replies, "But it makes you upset when I talk about him. I don't want to lose someone's friendship because of me."

Looking up at him, I ask, "When did we become friends, Mr. Tsuzuki?" [YOU TELL ME. AGAIN.] He turns around to stare at me so fast that I swear he would have fell if there was not a chair in his way. [But... wouldn't stumbling over a chair make him... Never mind, I can't understand this fic's logic.] Sighing to myself while watching his emotions flowing through his purple eyes. [Ew. Wipe that gooey emotion off your cheek, Tsuzuki.] I can see his sadness, angry [There's this word, "anger". You might want to look it up.], and fear through those eyes. Putting down my pen, I ask, "What do you want from me, Mr. Tsuzuki?" It has been a week since we slept together and I can no longer stand the pain of my broken heart. He can never return those feelings, but he still stays around me. Is this my punishment? Is this what I deserve?

Asato answers while staring at his feet, "I came here to say I'm sorry for what I put you through." [You're sorry? YOU'RE sorry?

That's it. Time to put on the Unfunny Hat. Muraki has kidnapped and tortured and stalked him, and HE apologises to MURAKI? Some stupid relationship dorama is nowhere near that level of wrongness. This victim's mentality really fucking irks me.]


Leaning back against the black leather chair and closing my eyes, I respond, "You were not sorry when you used me that night to stop the hurt in your heart." [DEEP BREATHS. HAPPY THOUGHTS. HAPPY, FUNNY, UN-RANTY THOUGHTS.] Pulling out my cigarettes and lighting one up while watching him take a seat in the chair in front of my desk. I know my words has hurt my beloved, but I cannot take this pain in my own heart. If he wishes to use me, then it would be okay. Only if he did not come back to me again and again. [That doesn't make any kind of sense, but I guess you can plead insanity.] Sighing to myself while I watch tears flow down his cheeks, I reply, "I am sorry for my harsh words, Mr. Tsuzuki, but you must understand my point of view. If you keep coming back to me to only use me, then I am the one who loses in the end. I do not deal with rejection."

He mumbles, "I know. I should never asked, but I still want to come back to you. Maybe it is because you understand me."

Watching the grey smoke raise to the ceiling, I ask, "Why do you stay with Mr. Tatsumi if you are the one who is in pain?" He looks up at me with angry [Everybody loves angry. Never leave home without it!] and stands up. I watch has he disappears before my eyes. It is about time, he left. I cannot stop his problems. After all, I would be lying if I want him to be with Mr. Tatsumi.

*Flashback Ends*

Walking back into my bedroom with a towel wrap around my waist and clothes in my hands that my beloved decided to leave in the bathroom, [What the hell, did Tsuzuki leave his house naked?] I mumble to no one, "I thought for sure that was the end of us."

Tsuzuki's POV:

Walking into my office, I see Hisoka sitting there waiting for me. I take a seat and ask, "What's up?"

["You're trapped in an unhealthy relationship with a manipulative serial killer, MY killer, as it happens, while I for some strange reason date his best friend. Our lives have become meaningless dorama and you are now a selfish Ice Princess. I suggest we all seek the help of the best psychiatrist Enma-Chou can offer. Oh, wait."] He answers with a shy voice, "We are going to Kyoto." [Yeah, that sounds more like it!]

He is afraid that everyone is going to find out about him and Oriya. [Fuck me. It's not like anyone else in this fic has any kind of moral high ground.] He and I know full well that seeing a mortal is against the rules and it will forfeit our life. [Jeez, I don't recall Enma-Chou being that kind of a dictatorship.] Leaning back against the chair, I whisper, "Don't worry, Soka. [SOKA?] I am sure we will not be going there."

He shakes his head and states, "That is where we are going. [Wow, what an engaging debate!] Some soldiers are looking for a missing soldier and word has it that she is there." [Some people want us to do stuff to stuff. Whatever. It's not like anyone cares about the plot of this fic. Hey, isn't it about time for some more relationship melodrama?]

Standing up and shutting the door while I ask in a low tone, "Have you met her?" He nods to me and I ask, "What you think about it?"

Hisoka answers, "She is his niece, Tsuzuki. [Whose niece? What?] I think she was weak or something like that and she needed time to rest. The one guy named Keyis seems okay about her gone, but the other one is really upset about it." [Keyis sure sounds like a traditional Kyoto surname to me! Not. And I'm not exactly sure why shinigami are now doing the job of normal police officers.]

I'm about to say something to my partner when Tatsumi walks in and looks us both over. He also knows about Hisoka seeing Oriya, [Who the hell doesn't?] but never said anything about it. Turning to stare out the window, I ask, "What is going on, Tatsumi?"

He answers in a calm voice, "Carton is the one who is looking into this. [And who is this? The elusive milk shikigami?] For some reason this girl is very powerful [although weak and exhausted as well. Yes, perfect logic. Carry on.] and he believes that she is running away from her duties." [The army believes attendance is a question of faith, then?]

Leaning against the wall and closing my eyes, I state, "Carton is an asshole. I doubt that is his true reason." [Well hello, Ice Princess Tsuzuki! You are so bitter, yet tragic!]

Tatsumi responds, "I agree and Kurosaki told me that she didn't look very healthy when he saw her. [Saw her where? In a crystal ball? If they know where she is, what's the big mystery? None of this makes sense!] I say we go and make sure he doesn't try anything on her."

A tall man with black hair walks in and replies, "I agree with you, Mr. Tatsumi. I'm not going to bother asking how the kid knows this information. For all I care is to make sure Kira is all right."

Looking this guy over, I ask, "Who are you?"

["I'm yet another stock character, here to make the readers' minds spin. Don't mind me, I'm utterly personality-free."]

He answers, "My name is Keyis. Sorry for just walking in without permission, Mr. Tsuzuki, but we don't have time for small chat. [Oh, no time for such frivolous matters as how the hell he found his way to Enma-Chou and why no one objects to him being there.] All I need is to make sure Kira is not in danger there."

Hisoka asks, "What do you mean by that?"

Keyis answers while watching out the office door, "Something about Dr. Kazutaka Muraki and that is all I know."

Hisoka states, "He is not the same as before." [Hisoka, continuously defending Muraki. This just makes me grind my teeth every time I see it.]

Staring at Hisoka, I think, "I can't believe he just said that. I mean he just defended Kazutaka."

Keyis replies, "Listen I'm not saying she is in danger by him but something from his past is after her." [He knows this for plot device reasons.]

Tatsumi mumbles, "We do not have time to argue. Let's go and we can talk about this later." [Yes, let's just blindly stumble into Kyoto and worry about what we're going to do there later!]

Standing up straight, I ask, "Who is all going?"

Tatsumi answers, "Watari, [*grumbles* Knowing this fic, he's probably married to Chief Konoe.] myself, you and Kurosaki. Plus Mr. Keyis and Carton. [We might need the stock characters around, in case Tsuzuki's new boyfriend needs someone to murder or something.]"

We walk out the office and see Carton standing there with Watari waiting for us. I can't stand this guy. He is always trying to get Tatsumi in trouble. [Oh, that wacky milk shikigami Carton. Surely you know him and his fun-loving, rascally ways! Why bother to introduce him?] [Tsuzuki, hating someone for their trouble-making? The Ice Princess has truly taken over.] I might not love Tatsumi but I still care about him dearly. [Right. That's why you blame him for your own insane behaviour and ignore his feelings.] He has not said a word to me about what happened. Tatsumi knows that I am going against the rules as well, and I'm glad he is still trying to protect me. We disappear to go to the mortal world. I wonder what we will find out at KoKakuRo. [Perhaps the secret to this crazy capitalisation.] Staring at Carton while he knocks on the door and waiting for someone to answer. I really hope that this guy does not find out about Hisoka or there will be trouble. A young woman with long blown [BROWN. What the hell is the matter with you? Can't you honestly understand the difference between L and R?] hair answers the door and looks us over.

Tatsumi speaks up, "Hello, we are looking for Mr. Oriya. Is he here?"

She answers with a soft voice, "Sorry, Master Oriya is not in right now."

A girl's voice speaks in the back round, "Bring them to the back, Katrina." [Hm. Oriya has decided to get some foreign girls into his highly traditional brothel. Interesting gear change.]

Katrina answers while turning to look behind her, "Of course." She looks at us again as she speaks, "Please follow me."

We follow her to see a few more woman blushing while we walk by them. [High-class prostitutes are always so bashful.] They all are staring at Hisoka and I'm getting nervous about this. If Carton can tell they know him, he will start to ask questions. [Who is this Carton, anyway? Why is he a threat to Tsuzuki and Hisoka's career? They could just put him back in the generic stock character pile when they're done using him. Problem solved.] We walk to the back and Katrina bows to us before walking away. Looking over to see a young teenager girl standing there with her back to us, I ask, "Who are you?"

Carton finally speaks, "You should not be here Miss Kira." [Why? I'M SO LOST IN THIS FIC.]

She replies without turning around to look at us, "That is what you say, but you do not have a demon chasing your ass." [Ooh, she's a sassy little Sue, isn't she? That's right. I freakin' called it. She's related to Oriya, appears in Tsuzuki's dreams, has a league of her own stock characters who only exist to love or hate her, wants Muraki to treat her and now she's dragged the entire Enma-Chou to Kyoto for no reason except to bask in her Sueness. Oh yeah, and she's matchmaking Tsuzuki and Muraki. Does it really get any more obvious than that?]

Keyis asks, "Are you all right here? It is... "

She answers in a cold voice, "Do not blame Kazutaka for this. [What the hell? No one mentioned Muraki. This is Oriya's house, isn't it?] That demon is after me for other reasons then to torment him."

What is going on? Why do I feel I know this girl? Leaning against the wall while I watch her and trying to figure out what is going on. I ask, "What do you mean?"

She turns around as she answers, "Before I dead, ["Surprise! I dead. I also very bad at the Englishing."] I had half-immortal blood running through my veins, Asato Tsuzuki." [HALF-IMMORTAL. Hilarious. So, she's only half-dead now?]

Staring at this girl with sky blue eyes, I think, ["My eyes are not sky blue. What with all the insane brouhaha about my purple-urple eyes, you'd think the ficcer would've got the point by now."] "She is the girl in my dreams." Getting dizzy from the feelings in her heart, I ask myself, "How can I feel her pain?" [She's a Sue. That answers all your questions. She's probably projecting her own supar-dupar half-immortal-half-dead skills.]

Tatsumi looks at me with worry in his eyes as he asks, "Tsuzuki, are you all right?"

Stuttering out my words, "I... I'm fin...e." [This might come as a shock to you, but you don't actually have to write out the stutter. Yes! Some of your readers have brains! Handy, isn't it?] They all look at me. Everything is going black. As I fall, I think, "Her pain is to much to take." [Finally, Tsuzuki the Ice Princess has met someone with even more meaningless personal angst!]

[And believe it or not, this goes on for five more chapters and at least a dozen more confusing original characters. Am I masochistic enough to bitch through all that drek? Only time will tell. Time and soothing music.]

Subscribe

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic
    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 1 comment