Release the mind-control squid! (cthulu_hungers) wrote in ficbitch_anon,
Release the mind-control squid!

Rubber Ranma: the wierdest fic ever ficbitched, now in MST3K form!

You'll have to forgive me, but I haven't done an MST since the Godawful Fan Fiction Forums went down. Which means I'm kind of rusty.

Since I don't have time to do a ficbitch before I go off to Louisiana (sans intrawebs) for Christmas (where I will receive a new laptop, and become Cthulu_Hungers v2.0), and because I really want to post somthing before then, I'm putting up my MST of an old ficbitch favorite, Ranma the Dutch Wife.

fic in blue, MST normal.

Now, covering my own ass here…

Ranna ½ and Kingdom Hearts are not mine, they belong to…whoever the hell it is they belong to. This fic is not mine, it’s copywrited to it’s author. And they can have it. Think of it as constructive criticism. Really, really, REALLY constructive criticism.

And Now, turn off your lights
(giving yourself a really bad case of eyestrain…)
For Sue Hell Theater 3000!
(The future isn’t what it used to be…)

It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this girl named Lethal Froggie
Not so different from you or me
She worked at the 9th circle
Just another half-frog demon mutant
She did a great job torturing Mary-Sues,
But Suetan really hates her
So she shot her into Limbo!!!!

Lethal Froggie:
(Holy <Explicative Deleted>! Get me down from here!)

(Instead of holding a crappy video, Lethal Froggie’s holding a Laptop)

We'll send her crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
she’ll have to read and judge them all into their proper Sue Hell circle. (lalala)

(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows the cast (Lethal Froggie, Virgil, Damien, Tristan, Ruki, Soraat, Henry, Aku, and Roku) running away from Walter Sullivan swinging a 2-by-4.)

Now keep in mind Lethal Froggie can't control
What fanfics she can judge (lalala)
Because she used that privilege
to have her demon friends to suffer with us;


’Hey, he brought cookies!’

”able to make a woman climax by saying 'Booya, Biatch!”

If your wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MST*
You should really just relax
for SUE HELL THEATER 3000!!!! (and one.)

(Hell, the final frontier…the classic battle between Evil and…the MSTers…)

(And now, in the 3rd circle, in Hades’ Palace, on a rare, Godzilla-free Monday…)

“Soon, ultimate Darkness shall be mine!”

Ansem cackled evilly to himself. His plan would soon be set into motion. However, his thoughts were interrupted by voices coming from somewhere above Hades domain…

“God damn man, you are like, frikkin’ OBSESSED with Darkness! You’ve been ranting about it for FIVE HOURS!”

“Uhhhh…Who the Hell is that?” Ansem asked Hades.

“Sounds like it came from Limbo…” Hades said, looking up into the darkness.

“Up your nose with a rubber hose, Hades!”

Hades wrinkled his noise in distaste. “Yo’ Momma screamed like a baby when I flew off and left her!”

“HAHAHA, your comeback SUCKS!”

“Yo’ Momma so dumb, she stuck a lightbulb up her ass and danced around singing ‘I got the powa’!”

“Yo’ Momma so dumb, her IQ test results came back negative!”

“Yo’ Momma so poor, the original Hollow Baston was a tin can I kicked over the Rising Falls!”

“Soraat and Lethal…” Hades muttered. He shook his fist at the voices.

“And who are they?” Ansem asked.

“A little ‘experiment’ of Suetan’s. I help pick the fanfics, and torture Warrior and Victim!Sues, and in return, unlimited space in the 3rd circle for my Underworld to expand into! It’s win-win!” Hades cackled. “I was just going to send them a crappy Fangirl Fantasy, But this calls for the big guns…”

Hades opens a file drawer and picks up a folder. He showed it to Ansem, who shudders in disgust.

“Actually, I’ve been having a little bit of a pest control problem of late.” Ansem said. “The fanon personas are multiplying like rabbits in the Baston. I can’t wait for KH2, it’s the only thing that can curb this mad fanfic infestation. Except for ultimate darkness, of course.”

Ansem held up a thrashing, kicking bag. “This little demonspawn I found doing some particularly lewd acts with a bicycle and a can of whipped cream. Let’s send him up to those ‘experiments’, shall we?”

Ansem and Hades laughed manically and stuffed the bag and fanfic into a capsule and shot it up into Limbo.

“And that’s the *real* origin of the two headed baby monsters in SH4.” Lethal Froggie said, crossing her arms.

Soraat shuddered. “Your stories scare me, Lethal…”

Lethal Froggie shrugged. “Well, do you have a better explanation as to why they bitchslap people to death?”

Soraat opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the wails of an alarm. The trapdoor under them opens, dropping them into the theater.

*Lethal Froggie goes for the popcorn, but Soraat beats her to it.*

Soraat- *tramples Lethal Froggie in haste to get to Popcorn*

Lethal Froggie- Owww…

Soraat- Hey, Carmel! *though mouthful of popcorn* Would you like some popcorn?

Lethal Froggie- No thanks…

*Suetan’s face appears onscreen*

Suetan- Enjoying your new theater, I hope?

Soraat- *in background* Hey, this table has COOKIES!

Lethal Froggie- Exactly how many souls where damned to an eternity of torture in the lower levels to accommodate this building?

Soraat- What the Hell? They’re all sugar cookies! NOOOOOOOO!

Suetan- at least 13.

Lethal Froggie- Excellent…What’s it this time, Fangirl Fantasy? Harry Potter crossover? Henry Torture fic? *looks around for Henry*

Suetan- Normally, yes, but Hades requested that you review this fic…*thumbs through fic* yup, this one is an Anime Lemon.

Lethal Froggie- *readies anal probe* Sues, eh? I likes the taste of Sues in the mornin’!

Suetan- No, this is all canon characters. The entire point of the fic is to turn Ranma into a giant, living dutch wife…

Soraat- *sounds unsure* well, we’ve dealt with lemon before, have we, Lethal? Lethal?

Lethal Froggie- *rocking in corner, whimpering*

Soraat- This is the last time I heckle an Elder God with you, Lethal.

Suetan- Ah yes, and apparently you have a new MSTer as well. A fanon personality, I believe, caught doing…oh my God, he did *WHAT* to a bicycle? Ew…

*screen goes blank*

*A yell is heard from above, slowly getting louder. A fanfic and a boy fall through the roof*

Soraat- Ruki?

Ruki- Soraat?

*Ruki gets Soraat in a headlock and gives him a noogie*

Lethal Froggie- You…know this person?

Soraat- Yeah! We’re both fanon personas from the same fandom! We worked together in the 5th circle before I got promoted to Malebroge.

Ruki- yeah, those angst sues, they were duller than the broad side of a Final Fantasy world map.

Lethal Froggie- oh.

Soraat- Ruki, this is Lethal Froggie. She used to work in the 9th level.

Lethal Froggie- Yo.

Soraat- anyway, Sit down! Relax! Have a sugar cookie!

Ruki- 9th level. Who did you tick off so bad you got sent the Limbo?

Lethal Froggie- er…hey wait, the fanfic’s starting!

Ruki- Fanfic?

Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo wandered through the crowded, noisy evening, their kimonos rustling in the soft breeze, sandals tapping against the packed-dirt thoroughfares that were littered with various food cartons and discarded scraps of paper.

Ruki- what’s up with the Fanfic?

Lethal Froggie- I took over judging the fanfics for Minos for a few days while he took a sick leave…and then he retired on me.

Ruki- ouch.

Lethal Froggie- I can’t believe I fell for it! Honestly, when’s the last time a demon got sick!

Children ran past, squealing and laughing, followed by parents shouting for them to come back. Ranma smirked as she munched on a cherry popsicle. 'I knew I was right to wear this thing here, the free eats are comin' up more than ever.'

Lethal Froggie- Ranma, the food whore.

Soraat- I wonder what’s so sexy about that kimono. They don’t really show off too much skin.

Ruki- It’s a transparent kimono, and Ranma’s not wearing a bra.

"Miss! You, the cute redhead!" Ranma perked up, plastering a cute smile on her face as the tone of a male vendor about to bestow free goods upon her trickled to her ears. She whipped around, finding a tall vendor wearing an elaborate clown mask gesturing to her.

Lethal Froggie- making obscene gestures at her…

Ruki- doing pelvic thrusts in her direction…

Ruki (clown mask guy imitating Austin Powers)- do I make you horny, Ran-chan? Do I make you want to do the horizontal tango ALL NIGHT LONG!

Lethal Froggie- nice to know you're getting into the lemony spirit.

Bounding over, Ranma noticed that he seemed to be rather cute, even with the mask, with a nice, slender build under his robes, and long black hair. She looked around him to find what he was selling, hoping for food, she was disappointed when she noticed the flock of balloons held by their strings in one of his hands. 'Oh well,' she thought cheerfully. 'I like balloons.'

Ruki (horny!Ranma)- they remind me of used condoms.

"Here... I've got a special

Soraat- catfood

Ruki- dirty tentacle porn magazine

Lethal- restraining order against horny girls

balloon, just for a pretty girl like yourself," the vendor purred, plucking one of the strings out between slender, deft fingers and proffering it to Ranma.

Lethal Froggie- Proffering? Is this a balloon or a whore?

Soraat- don’t you mean gigolo? Ranma is a girl...

Lethal Froggie- Ranma can change genders, so he should be happy with what he can get.

Ruki- I think, in this fic, ballon = whore. Or boobie. or genitalia. You get the idea.

It seemed to be the exact same shade of red has her hair, with glittering gold designs dotting over its surface.

Soraat (Ranma)- ooooooo…shiny…

Ruki- she’s doomed.

Lethal Froggie- huh? Why?

Ruki- she broke rule number one of lemonfics- never accept gifts from strangers. Watch, it’s going to be some kind of Spanish candy in aerosol form.

"Thanks, mister!" Ranma chirped, taking the balloon and trotting off with it. Akane caught up a few moments later, rolling her eyes at Ranma's giggling, girlish behavior as she bounced the balloon around.
"Honestly, Ranma, you're acting like a little GIRL." Sticking her tongue out at Akane, Ranma biiiiihed. "You have no sense of fun. Balloons are cool at any age! They're all squeaky and squinchy and
neat." ^_^

Lethal Froggie- And thus we get a disturbing look into Ranma’s balloon fetish…

Ruki- and the author’s love of those damn text faces.

Yanking down on the string, Ranma caught the balloon between her hands, pressing it lightly, letting her fingertips scrunch over it, making the latex squeak. "Besides, it's a

Lethal Froggie- lemon, Akane. You should really just relax.

fair, Akane! You shouldn't be all-

Lethal Froggie- prissy like you got a giant stick up your ass.

Ruki (Akane)- It’s not a stick, it’s a mallet, and do you have any idea how much it chafes? Or the splinters it gives me?

" She blinked, looking down at her hands. She squinched her fingers a few more times, then attempted to pull her hands apart. The balloon stretched with her hands, sticking tightly to them. "Oh, great! That joker put super glue on the balloon!" Carefully lifting the balloon up to her face to look more closely, she pulled her hands apart. Akane snickered as she watched Ranma's face through the balloon, then blinked when Ranma's eyes widened.
"Ranma, what's wrong?"

Soraat (Ranma)- I just realized…this is a bad anime lemon! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Soraat (Ranma and Akane)- AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

"A-Akane... th-this thing's GROWING INTO MY HANDS!" Beginning to panic, Ranma pulled with all her strength, the balloon popping loudly as it was rent. People around them jumped in surprise, then laughed and moved on, not noticing anything out of the ordinary. But Ranma was still pulling at the rubbery latex, trying to get it off, only finding that the balloon's popping seemed to speed the process, the material moving all over her hands and up her arms. Seeing Akane move closer, hands raised, Ranma waved her off. "Don't touch me!" She shuddered, feeling a strange feeling move down through her flesh under her skin of the covered area... it was both unbelievably strange and also, somehow, erotic at the same time. She fell to her knees, then looked up as a low, resonating chuckle came from above.
"Yes... don't touch her, Akane. It will, indeed, spread to you if you touch her before the process is complete!" The balloon vendor tossed aside his clown's mask

Lethal Froggie (RPG Hero #3453)- So, Andross, you reveal your true form!

, revealing

Soraat- Britney Spears (Oops! I did it again…I made you a dutch wife…then you sat down on a pin!)

Lethal Froggie- Darth Vader! (Ranma, I am your father…and your mother…at the same time…damn cursed spring…)

Ruki- Mr. T (I pity the fool whose fans turn her into a giant, inflatable pool toy!)

the gleam of cokebottle glasses.

Lethal Froggie- so bright that it blinded Akane and Ranma!

"Mousse!" Akane cried, growling a little.

Soraat- she growled and cried at the same time?

Ruki- also, why is he named after a hair product?

"Indeed! Soon, Ranma will be fully transformed, and completely unable to fight!" Cackling softly, Mousse removed a long, gleaming needle from inside his sleeve. "And with a single pinprick, Ranma Saotome will be

Lethal Froggie- Extremely flatulent.

Soraat- A purple-spotted rubber ducky.

Ruki- Have a hole where her ass used to be.

no more!" Leaping from the top of the vendor's booth where he had been preaching his doom, Mousse whistle through the air towards the kneeling redhead... only to have his flight abruptly arrested by

Lethal Froggie- My anal probe to his ass.

Ruki (Mousse)- “Oh my God! I’ve been violated by a PLASTIC LIGHTSABER! The pain!”

Lethal Froggie- And now, Ruki, if you would do the honors and release Mouse from this fanfic…

Ruki- It would be my pleasure. *whips Mousse into oblivion with his Dark Keyblade*

a mallet to the top of his head.

Lethal Froggie- Hah! Divine justice from on high!

Akane scowled down at the twitching, crumpled bishonen at her feet. "Baka." She looked over to check on Ranma... and her jaw dropped.
The other girl

Ruki- rushed over to Mouse and revived him with a super rubber blow-job!

was still on her knees, staring at her hands...

Soraat (Ranma)- Hey Akane…when did I become a girl in this fic?

through her hands. Ranma's skin now seemed to be composed of thin, semitransparent latex or rubber, like the balloon that had bonded to her. Akane could see the outline of Ranma's clothes and the things behind her through Ranma's skin, which was a shade of pinkish-beige, something like sunburned skin, though her hair was still bright red, slightly more opaque than the rest of her. Translucent, scared blue eyes looked up at Akane.

Lethal Froggie- so not only does Ranma look like a plastic blow-up doll, she looks like a cheap plastic blow-up doll.

"A-Akane... what... what'd it... I..."

Ruki (Akane)- allow me to offer sexual healing…

Akane breathed, then scowled, turning back around and grabbing a handful of the front of Mousse's robes, hauling him up and shaking him. "WHAT'D YOU DO?!"

Lethal Froggie (Mouse)- Hey! It wasn’t me! It was the author!

Ruki (Mouse)- Paved the way for hot, kinky balloon sex for seasons to come!

Mousse, having recovered somewhat, chuckled lowly again. "A change in outlook is good for everyone." His head snapped back as Akane's fist slammed into his nose. Raising his head a bit woozily, Mousse felt the shattered glasses snatched off his nose, then blinked as something sharp and shiny was pressed close enough to his eye that he could see it.
"You better elaborate, unless you want your glasses to make you REALLY blind."

Ruki- Wow, this Akane is really sadistic. I think I’m in love…

Lethal Froggie- Why are you falling in love with someone because their sadistic?

Soraat- Lethal?

Lethal Froggie- Yes?

Soraat- You know how fanon personas are always falling in love with everybody, especially people that no sensible person would touch with a ten-inch pole?

Lethal Froggie- Yeah?

Soraat- That’s why.

Lethal Froggie- Oh.

The Chinese boy gulped. "Okay, okay... Ranma's a

Ruki (Mousse)- a dutch wife.

Living Balloon. I did it so she wouldn't be able to effectively fight back, and I could

Lethal Froggie- Use her as an inflatable pool toy.

Ruki- Carry her off and have mad balloon sex with her!

Soraat- Use her as an inflatable backscratcher?

pop her."
"The cure! How do we change her back?!"

Ruki (Mouse)- Search me. *winkwink* *pelvic thrusts in Akane’s direction*

Soraat (Akane)- Okay! *grabs Mouse by ankles and shakes him. Various hair care products, sex toys, and half-eaten candy fall out*

"I-I dunno!" Mousse shoved a hand into his sleeve,then held a book that seemed to be bound in black rubber out to Akane, his hand shaking. "Here... it's all in there... everything about it!"

Lethal Froggie-The 2nd edition Mouse convertible- able to go from Snidely Whiplash to whimpy, nerdy pansy getting his ass kicked by Akane in 5 sentences flat!

Akane slammed her fist into Mousse's face again, then grabbed the book as he fell back, unconscious.

Lethal Froggie- This would be a good chance to, you know, get rid of Mouse once and for all?

Soraat- You mean, get him one-way tickets to Aruba?

Lethal Froggie- …

Walking over to Ranma, Akane bent down to help her up, and yelped as she almost sent the other girl flying; seemed that most of her weight was her clothes.

Ruki- Is that my dirty mind, or does the part where she is flying somewhat imply that’s she’s not wearing any clothes, given that most of her weight is in her clothes?

Soraat- I prefer not to think about it.

"C'mon, Ranma... we'll take this home, and we'll read it cover to cover. There's gotta be some way to change you back..."

Lethal Froggie- Or into something more useful, like a cat. These mice are getting out of hand…

There was no way to change her back.

Soraat- Dun dun dun!

Ranma sighed as she stared at the bathroom mirror. She could see the wall behind her through her own body, and could feel the way that her form compressed slightly under the weight of her kimono. There was absolutely no cure, the book said, since Ranma's entire being had been completely shifted into this one. The most it could offer was how she could live now. The balloon girl sighed again, raising a hand and running a finger down her cheek. She made an odd face, both at the long squeak that the rubber-on-rubber made, but at the way it felt; different than regular skin, obviously. The closest she could think of was when her skin was wet and warmed with sweat, but it was still vastly different.

Lethal Froggie- Really? I though it would feel like being trapped in an old, sweaty wetsuit in summer degree weather forever.

Slowly, curiosity overcoming oddity for the moment, Ranma opened the kimono and let it drop to the floor.

Ruki- Whoohoo! Striptease, striptease!

She almost yipped as the suddenly lack of weight caused her slightly malleable form to spring up and lift her off the floor. Ranma flailed, which only caused her ultralight form to drift around more. Eventually forcing herself to be still, the redhead drifted back down onto the floor, then spent several minutes teaching herself how to walk in her new form without going flying with every step. Still, she tended to sort of float along with her movements, and it was in this way that she got back to the mirror and resumed taking a look at herself.

Ruki- And then proceeded to give the audience a peepshow.

A lot of the slight details and muscles seemed to have disappeared, replaced with balloonish smoothness; her navel, for one, was gone, just plain, rubbery smoothness in its place.

Lethal- Erm, ok, completely useless detail there…

Her breasts seemed a little larger, and seemed more pert than usual even for her... well, they did seem to be defying gravity.

Soraat- Attack of the gravity defying boobies from outer space!

The totally smooth globes were capped with raised circles that were slightly darker than her pinkish skin, approaching red, and seemed puffier than her nipples had been in flesh form, as well as constantly hard. Tentatively, Ranma raised her fingers and touched one of the puffy nipples lightly, then almost yelped and fell over at the strange sensation. It was the same rubbery consistancy as the rest of her, but it was far more sensitive; the few times she had experimentally touched her nipples before, it had been somewhat pleasurable, but she had quickly stopped, rather frightened by the way it had made her feel.

Lethal Froggie- Oh please, nipples are not that sensitive.

Soraat- Snd how would you know that, Lethal?

Lethal Froggie- Soraat, I’m a girl. Trust me, I know what my own nipples are like. I don’t shower with a censor bar, you know.

Soraat- Oh. Sorry, I forgot.

But this... this was a hundred times more intense. Shaking a little, Ranma tried to calm herself down before she floated away. Continuing down, she looked at the curves of her very slight mounds around what looked like a very tight slit. Ranma blushed,

Lethal Froggie- Oh please, it’s not as if Ranma’s never seen his/her own butthole.

Ruki- What’s so blush-worthy about a butthole? It’s covered…

Soraat and Lethal- Gah! *cover ears and go lalalalala*

her pink cheeks coloring red, as she remembered one of the ways the book had said she could absorb...

Lethal Froggie- A new host body

Soraat- Twinkies!

Ruki- The rubber in chewed gum, creating drooling latex fetish zombies to take over the world!

*Lethal Froggie and Soraat look at Ruki oddly*

Ruki- What? Not everything I say has to be sexual. Taking over the world is my other hobby besides sexual perversion.

sustenance. Turning around, she looked over her shoulder at the smoothed curves of her back, and the shiny, perfect globes
of her buttocks, their translucent nature allowing her some sight of the little rubbery pucker.

Lethal Froggie- And here come the ragingly inappropriate euphemisms. I mean, honestly, the author couldn’t have picked a more unintentionaly hilarious word for the butthole. It's almost as bad as rosebud.

Lethal Froggie- Oh great, now I'll never be able to use the rosebud cheat in the sims without thinking of this.

Soraat- Lethal, I’m confused now. Is Ranma referring to her butthole twice? Does she have two? Or do ballon girls have their vaginas between their boobs?

Lethal- Soraat, for once I’m as clueless as you are.

Her legs and toes looked the same as always, except for that ultra-smooth, shiny nature that her whole body had.

Ruki (Ranma)- *plays with self* Shiny Shiny Shiny!

Sighing once more, Ranma walk-floated towards the sliding door that led to the furo. 'I may be a balloon, but I still need to get clean... better use the shower, though, the furo might

Ruki (Ranma)- not have hot boys in it, and what’s the point of screwing non-hot boys in a lemon?

be too hot and p-p-p-p-p-pop me.'

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- Not only that, but it might turn me into whatever gender hot water turns me into, thus completely ruining this lemon.

As she was reaching for the door, it slid open.
Standing above her, in nude, shining-with-moisture

Lethal Froggie- Am I reading this right? Shining-with-moisture glory?

Soraat- how about, reeking-with-dead-fish glory?

Ruki- or, entirely-coated-with-melted-butter-slip-in-slide glory?

glory, was Ryoga, drawing back a little in surprise, muscles flexing over damp skin. As always, though, he still wore his bandanna.

Soraat- He wears his bandana, even to shower? Kinda odd, don’t you think?

Emerald eyes blinked in surprise once,

Lethal Froggie- And here come the disembodied eyes.

Ruki- You know what I’d like to read? A fic about a disembodied eye orgy. Mad eye sex!

started to narrow as a scowl came to his lips, then blinked in surprise again.
"Er... Ranma..."

Lethal Froggie (Ryoga)- When did you become a girl in this fic?

Soraat (Ranma)- That’s what I keep asking the author!

Sighing deeply, in a way that made her breasts deflate just slightly before swelling back to their full heliumesque

Soraat- Heliumesque?

Lethal Froggie- I think the author ran out of synonyms for rubbery. Now he/she’s making up his/her own. Because Lord forbid, that we should forget for even a moment that Ranma is a cheap latex sex toy. We know already!

glory, Ranma nodded.
"Yeah, Ryoga."

Lethal Froggie- Yeah, Ryoga, what? The man hasn’t even asked a question yet!

Ruki- I think Ranma’s trying to be seductive. And failing. Which is impressive, mind you, as my standards are pretty low.

"... What the hell HAPPENED to you?!"

Lethal Froggie- Ah, there it is.

Ranma shook her head, inflated, half-floating pigtail swishing behind her.

Lethal Froggie- Again, one thing that would make this fic a lot better is to cut out all these unnecessary, balloon related details. Yes, author, we get Ranma’s a giant inflatable sex toy. No need to remind us of that every two sentences. We aren’t going to forget.

"Mousse turned me into a balloon. I guess you're gonna pop me now, huh...?"

Ruki (Ryoga)- oh, I’ll pop something all right *hinthintwinkwink*

She looked at Ryoga's visible fang. 'Ah, but what a way to go...'

Lethal Froggie- and now, Ranma’s death soliloquy…

Soraat (Ranma)- To inflate or not to inflate, that is the question,
For it is better to suffer the outrageous pins and sharp, popping thingies of sex toy fortune or, by taking up balloons (rubber balloons, not my giant anti-gravity boobies, you perverts) against a vast, lukewarm bathtub of troubles, end them. To deflate, to sleep…

Ah, to sleep, there’s the rub…for what wet dreams shall come once we have shuffled off this latex coil.

Ruki (Ryoga)- Thank god that’s over with. *pops Emo Ranma with a giant needle*

Lethal Froggie- I didn’t know you knew Shakespeare’s soliloquies, Soraat.

Soraat- I used to torture a so-called ‘Poet Sue’ in the 5th boglia. By ‘poet’ that meant she only knew badly memorized versions of Shakespearean soliloquies.

Lethal Froggie- Owie. I had a Sue that would quote T.S. Elliot… incorrectly…

Slowly, Ryoga raised a hand that, Ranma noticed with surprise, was shaking a little. The balloon girl closed her eyes, a little fearfully, expecting nails to dig and rip at her substance in an attempt to rend her open.

Lethal Froggie- Ok, why doesn’t Ranma just kick his ass, for Canon’s sake?

Ruki- Yes, that would make this lemon much better. We could have balloon-fu action scenes. Hell, they’re already naked, we could even have naked balloon wrestling! Woohoo!

Instead, she felt his fingertips come to rest on her cheek, her rubbery skin indenting slightly under the pressure, a long, quiet squeak heard as he slowly drew his fingers down and along the line of her jaw. Opening her eyes slowly, Ranma saw that Ryoga was trembling, looking like he usually did just before he got a nosebleed and passed out. But the blood didn't seem to be rushing to Ryoga's nose;

******Warning- Lemon and Lime ahead. Turn back, yea faint of heart, those who do not like Sprite@, and those under 18*****

Ruki (Author)- Oh no, it was rushing to *other* places…

Soraat (Author)- Like his big toe, or his spleen, or his left kidney…

his cock seemed to have sprung to life the moment he touched her, very long, and almost visibly throbbing. Ranma's eyes widened, her puffy nipples sticking out even further, a strange sensation racing across her skin,

Lethal Froggie- Wow, that was fast. You’d think that it would take longer, given that glands and hormones and what-not are involved, but no, the sight of an erect phallus makes Ranma go from zero to horny in 60 seconds flat!

seeming to come to rest around her strange new slit,

Lethal Froggie- I’m not too familiar with this canon, but I know that if a normal teenage boy were given the ability to turn into a girl, you wouldn’t be able to *stop* him from becoming intimately familiar with that ‘strange new slit’.

a slickness forming amidst her rubbery folds.
"R-Ryoga... you... you like me this way...?"

Ruki (Ryoga)- I think my erection speaks for itself, Ranma.

Licking his dry lips, Ryoga looked down, seeing that it would be pretty much impossible to deny it. Also, looking down provided him with the full view of Ranma's new body, making him not WANT to deny it. Forcing his eyes up to meet the strange transluscent blue gaze of the balloon girl, Ryoga nodded shakily.

Lethal Froggie- And now, a disturbing look into the author’s demented version of foreplay.

"H-hai... I've always... always sorta had a thing for latex... a-and rubber... balloons are... they're sorta a turn-on for me."

Lethal Froggie- Oh God, I'd hate to see Ryoga at a little kids party.

Lethal Froggie (Ryoga)- No, it's the rubber balloons that are turning me on, not your little daughter!

Ruki (Ryoga)- They kicked me off the Conan O’Brian show for being the first person to hump the rubber Triumph puppet, rather than the other way around.

They were both blushing, but slowly, they were both relaxing a little, somehow coming to grips with the situation. "I mean... God, Ranma, you're absolutely gorgeous..."
"... Thanks," Ranma whispered, feeling that tingling again all over her latex skin. "Ryoga... I..." Taking a deep breath that increased her bust by a cup size

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- Watch Ryoga! I can be a double D! *take a huge gulp of air and holds breath until she passes out*

and nearly did the same for Ryoga's eyes, Ranma slowly wrapped a hand around Ryoga's shaft, stroking tentatively. The lost boy

Lethal Froggie- Ok, this is starting to bring unpleasant connotations of Peter Pan.

arched his head back, moaning loudly at the feel of latex on his silky, sensitive skin

Ruki- ,an experience similar to trying to open a greased doorknob, I’d expect.

"I've always wanted you to think I was gorgeous, Ryoga..." Her strokes became a little more sure now, her other hand moving down to cup at Ryoga's soft, still-damp sack, inflated latex fingers kneading gently. "I've always wanted you... and now, I need you more than ever..."
"Need... me...?" Ryoga hissed through gritted teeth, having to use all his concentration to speak through the haze of pleasure that Ranma's ballooned fingers were producing.
"H-hai... my condition... well..." She slowly removed her hands from Ryoga's member, reaching them up to wrap her arms around his neck. "One of the ways that I can get my sustenance, and get stronger so I won't pop is... by absorbing a man's cum."

Lethal Froggie- and now, a blow-by-blow look at this wonderful piece of foreplay, shall we?

Ruki (Ranma)- Time to walk into the bathroom stark naked without knocking! After all, no-one could be using the bathroom in the middle of the day- unless, of course, this is a lemon.

Lethal Froggie (Ryoga)- Damn, I hate that Ranma, which is why I’m going to use up all his hot water by showering in his bathroom in the middle of the day. That’ll show him. Of course, if he were a she and made entirely out of cheap latex, she’d be so sexy I’d have to forgive her of our deep enmity and screw her like the cheap inflatable sex toy she is.

Ruki (Ranma)- Gasp! My mortal enemy is using my shower! Who the hell let you in?

Lethal Froggie (Ryoga)- Hey, Ranma’s completely helpless! Let’s pop her! No, wait, I have a better idea! *pokes Ranma repeatedly on the cheek*

(BTW, I love how he has only ONE fang. Sort of like Garfield's alter ego, The Claw, and his arch-nemesis, The Fang.)

Soraat (Ranma)- Akane, Ryoga’s touching me! Make him stop!

Lethal Froggie (Ryoga)- *Finger hovering an inch from Ranma’s skin* I’m not touching you…I’m not touching you…

Soraat (Ranma)- AKANE!!!!

Ruki (Ryoga)- Despite the fact that this is just my reoccurring wet dream and one really shouldn’t question the logic of a lemon, why the hell are you made of inflatable latex?

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- A nerd named after a hair-care product turned me into a dutch wife with a magic balloon, and then Akane pounded him into paste with her giant mallet. Then the author of this thing made me give the audience a striptease. So yeah, today sucks.

Ruki (Ryoga)- Feeling down, talking sex toy! Have a go at my healing cock@! Behold, it is so large, it blocks out the sun when you stand under it!

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- Ooooooo! Can I touch it!

Ruki (Ryoga)- If you must.

*Ranma gives Ryoga a Super Rubber Handjob, which increases Ryoga’s Stamina by +5 and Libido by +7, despite the temporary state of massive penile rubberburn*

Ruki (Ryoga)- So anyway, latex fetish. I have a huge latex fetish, just so you know. *hinthintwinkwink*.

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- How convienient! It just so happens that I need your healing man-juice, Ryoga.

Ruki (Ryoga)- Wow, that is awfully convenient.

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- Yes, yes it is.

*Crickets chirp in the background*

Ruki (Ryoga)- So, are we going to have mad balloon sex now, before someone else walks in on us?

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- But Ryoga, what if…

Ruki (Ryoga)- Ranma, the answer to all your questions is: it’s a lemon, Ranma. You should really just relax.

Lethal Froggie (Ranma)- Fine, we hold out another 5 minutes for Akane, and if she doesn’t show up, we’ll go ahead and have the mad balloon orgy anyway.

*Commercial Break!*

Are you parties so boring, people have died at them and no-one even noticed? Are you looking for something to do on those Saturdays when your date stood you up- for the 5th week in a row? Then Lemon libs are just the thing for you!

Remember- Lemon Libs: fun for the whole family (or at least those members over 18)

Ryoga *noise* heavily, looking down at Ranma. Something inside him broke, letting out a *sea related noun* of need and *Feeling*. He seized Ranma by the *body part*, his *body part* digging into her *adjective* *organ*. Ranma *verb* in surprise, trying to form a protest that he be careful, but he was already *verb* her up easily, tilting her back. Knowing what he wanted, Ranma gulped, spreading her *long, skinny thing* wide, wondering if they were both ready for this. Looking down, she saw *liquid* pooling on her *adjective* skin between her *food item*, and saw that it was *verb* from her *noun*. Her legs sticking straight out to the sides of Ryoga's *noun*, her hands on her chest, she must have been quite a sight, like some *adjective* blowup doll. She cried out *adverb* as she felt the head of his *euphemism for penis* at her *euphemism for vagina*, her breath coming more *adjective*; *unnecessary detail reminding us Ranma is a living sex toy*
Ryoga almost *animal noise verb* as he began to push into Ranma, finding her to be *adverb* tight, gripping around every *unit of measure* of his *another euphemism for penis* that *verb* her like a *unpleasant reference comparing latex condoms to Ranma’s hoo-ha*. Her *noun* made it easier, but not by much. *unpleasant noise verb*, he *unpleasant pun on the word ‘screw’*, almost *unpleasant reference comparing Ranma’s hoo-ha to a too-small condom*; the pleasured *two bird-related sound nouns* she made were well worth it, *voyeuristic detail telling us that everyone can hear their balloon sex* Finally, he felt himself sheathed completely in her *four synonyms for the word ‘rubbery’*, *Ranma doing something that is impossible for her to do anatomically*. *nonsensical detail to remind us, again, that Ranma is a rubber sex toy*.
Ranma bit down on *interaction between two latex body parts*, muffling her *bodily noises*. *derogatory comparison of Ranma to a rubber blow-up doll, containing the f word*. Ryoga was pounding her over his cock, seeming to have become a little more sure that he wasn't going to *reference to balloon popping*, and the increasing force of his *noun* her down against him was sending shivers throughout her substance, *another comment about Ranma’s antigravity boobies*. *Vague description of orgasm, in whatever way living balloon girls orgasm* Then, she heard his almost animalistic roar, and she just *verb in all caps* *euphemism for semen* spurt inside her, *comment leaving you wonder exactly how Ryoga could hold that much semem in him at one time*, an amazing *adverb* sensation following wherever it touched as it was absorbed into her. *vague description of climax, in whatever way blow up dolls climax, once again contain unnecessary details reminding us Ranma is a dutch wife*, *sentence telling us how the climax was ‘the most amazing feeling she’d ever felt in her life*
Panting, feeling Ranma's latex *name of a kitten* finally stop trying to *unpleasant comparison of Ranma’s vagina to milking cows*, Ryoga drew her off of him with a *rubber-related noise*. Righting her and pulling her to him, *reference to the fact that Ranma’s boobies are inflatable*, *disembodied eye detail*.
"I'll have to thank Mousse," Ranma began, but was cut off by Ryoga *foreplay-related verb* her, and she became busy with *same foreplay-related verb* him back. Ryoga *exclamation* softly as he sucked on Ranma's tongue, finding her to *taste*, but also something else; finally, he decided it must just be the taste of *Name*, that unique indentifier everyone had. Exploring her mouth, he found that it was like the rest of her body, but warmer and wetter; he was rather bemused to find that her *body part* gave way slightly under the pressure of his *body part*. Finally, he had to come up for *gas*, almost *verb* harder than before.
Ranma *Exclamation*, *reference to Ranma’s body part as ‘balloonish’*. *reference to Ryoga’s new erection* pressed between them, *reference tying Ryoga’s erection to the fact Ranma’s made of rubber*. Smirking, the balloon girl looked up to meet Ryoga's sheepish gaze.
*closing dialogue referring to hunger*

*and now, back to our regularly scheduled riffing*

Ranma bounced her way into the bathroom, humming happily, the weight of the towel over her shoulder practically the only thing keeping her from smacking against the roof with every step due to her good spirits.

Lethal Froggie- Do I want to know why she’s so happy?

Pausing in front of the mirror to appraise herself, hands on hips, she winked broadly, giggling.
"Looking good, hot stuff," she murmured to her reflection.

Lethal Froggie- And now, Ranma gives us a second strip tease.

Over the past week, along with Ryoga giving her regular "meals", Ranma had been consuming a fair amount of the other sustenances available to her: rubber, latex, basically anything stretchy and balloon-like. As a result, she was much less transluscent,

Lethal Froggie- But wouldn’t consuming balloon-like and transparent objects make her more balloon-like and transparent, not the other way around? Right? Hello? Anyone awake back there?

the things behind her now appearing only as vague outlines, rather than simply being tinted by her tones.

Ruki- *snore*

Soraat- *snore*

Her skin was still like a parody of flesh tone, but it at least wasn't see-through, though she found she could still assume any level of transparency less than her current one when she wished.

Lethal Froggie- Hey, you aren’t allowed to sleep through the lemon! *turns around and kicks Ruki and Soraat*

Ruki- Ow! Mother- Ok, ok, I’m awake, just don’t kick me!

Soraat- five more minuites, mommy…

Lethal Froggie- hell no! If I have to suffer this piece of shit, you have to suffer it with me!

Ruki- Soraat, you call Lethal ‘mommy’?

Soraat- She just makes me call her mommy.

Lethal Froggie- *Looking nervous all the sudden*

As a result of being darker, light shone brightly against her surface rather than going through it, making her look as if she were constantly wearing something tight and shiny.

Soraat- *Yawn*

Ruki- Er, why do I care about Ranma’s newfound balloon powers? This is taking valuable word count away from the kinky balloon sex scenes.

Lethal Froggie- I think the author’s simply too enamored with the idea of Ranma as a giant sex toy.

Soraat- *snore*

*Ruki and Lethal Froggie look at each other and smile mischievously*

Ranma was also heavier and stronger than she had been at first, and it was with a certain amount of satisfaction (and little tingles of pleasure) that she pinched a bit of her side and drew it out, stretching it, then letting it snap back like a rubber band, making her yelp, and then giggle.

*Ruki and Lethal Froggie find a marker and start playing tick-tack-toe on Soraat’s face*

'Yup... 'nother week, two at the most, and I'll be just 'bout impossible to injure! I'm already learning to morph my outer appearance into clothes, like the book said... and...' She smirked, flexing a balloon muscle.

Lethal Froggie- We’re running out of space…

*Lethal Froggie and Ruki take off Soraat’s shirt and start drawing obscene pictures on his chest and back. All the Sora fangirls reading this start drooling*

'I don't get tired, though I sure manage to tire Ryoga out! Poor guy can't get enough of me... until he passes out, that is.'

Ruki- I’ve got it!

Lethal Froggie- Hmmm? *looks up from moustache she drew on Soraat’s face* What have you got?

Ruki- A foolproof plan for world domination! An army of living balloon girl temptresses! I shall release them unto the world, and they tire out all the men with their sex powers until they’re unable to fight! Then the world will be mine for the taking!

Putting a hand to her mouth to stiffle another giggle, Ranma continued preening in front of the mirror, shifting her tones back to the transluscency she had started with, experimenting with various eye and hair colors.

Lethal Froggie- Oh good lord, Ranma’s become a Sue. She has the trademark color-changing sue eyes.

Hmmming, she decided to grab a snack before heading into the furo. Bending over, balloony little ass

Lethal Froggie- That’s a pleasant little description.

wiggling as she opened one of the cabinets below the sink and rifled around. 'Now, wherrrre is Kasumi's secret stash of condoms...? Aha!'

Lethal Froggie- Not a very secret stash when someone else knows where they are.

Ruki- What I want to know is how she knows where his secret stash is. I think Ranma’s been getting ‘meals’ from someone else besides Ryoga…

Lethal Froggie- great, an entire house of sex-starved latex fetishists.

Nabbing several of the contraceptives, Ranma stood and opened them up, almost leering. Being this way had begun to be almost as much of a turn-on for her as it was for Ryoga.

Lethal Froggie- See! I told you Ranma had a balloon fetish!

Soraat- *Wakes upS spuh?

Lethal Froggie- Hold on, I’m not done with you yet. *takes can of whipped cream and draws a beard on Soraat with it*

Soraat- *sleepily* Hey, whipped cream… *eats whipped cream*

Ripping open the packages and tossing them in the trash, Ranma popped the latex sheathes into her mouth like potato chips, and chewed out of habit, though it really didn't much matter.

Lethal Froggie- Must be hard to chew when your teeth are collapsible rubber.

She swallowed, feeling the lumps of the condoms slide down her throat; due to her increased transparency, she watched them as well, as they dropped into her emptiness and slid around to find resting places, then slowly dissolving, turning into darker spots on her skin that spread out slowly, until her entire body was a shade more opaque. Smirking and patting her stomach, Ranma turned her opacity back as far as it would go, then bounced into the furo room. 'Heh, not fighting with pop over my meals is soooo enjoyable.'

Soraat- *sleepily* Hey, is the description scene over yet?

Lethal Froggie- Yeah, and here’s you shirt back.

Soraat- My shirt? When did I take that off?

Lethal Froggie- don’t you remember? Right before you went to sleep.

Soraat- Well, ok… *puts on shirt*

Ruki- Oh, and Soraat?

Soraat- Yeah?

Ruki- Don’t look at yourself in any mirrors today, ok?

Soraat- Okay…

Just as she knew he would be, Ryoga was sprawled in the in the furo, arms resting lightly on the sides, head back, water and sweat making every hard muscle gleam in the dimly-lit bathroom.

Lethal Froggie- Wow, Ryoga just lives out of Ranma’s bathroom now, doesn’t he? Doesn’t he have to do other stuff, like, you know, eat?

Ruki- It’s a testament to the power of my Living Balloon Girl Temptress Task Force. I expect some of their weaker victims will die off due to starvation.

He looked up at the distinctive sounds of air-filled latex feet on tile, and made a small face at the purple-haired Ranma with Arabian-dark skin and bright silver eyes.
"What? You don't like?" Ranma teased, striking a pose, before laughing and resuming her normal coloration. She tossed her towel onto the sideboard, then hopped into the furo, landing on top of the water and floating around like a pool toy.

Lethal Froggie (Ryoga)- CANNONBALL! *lands on Ranma, popping her*

Ranma closed her eyes for a moment, relaxing the muscles she'd been practicing, and felt her "rear vent"

Ruki- And on our next episode of ‘Pilates and You’, we’ll be practicing a special collection of stretches to widen your ‘rear vent’!

open and allow the water to rush in. Ranma slowly sank as the air inside of her was replaced with water, the level visibly rising up inside her like a water balloon (well, EXACTLY like a water balloon).

Lethal Froggie- Maybe because she *is* a giant water balloon…

Ryoga watched appreciatively as Ranma let herself be stretched by the water entering her, guiding the way her form filled out,
resulting in what, out of the furo, would be a much taller, leggier, and older Ranma-chan, looking like an elegant woman in her early twenties rather than a girl in her teens. Ranma sighed deliciously, raising a long, slender leg out of the water and squeaking Ryoga under the chin with a toe.

Lethal Froggie- *yawn* This passage is so unnecessary I can’t even think up a good riff for it.

"Hiya, big boy," she purred in an overexaggerated sultry tone.
"Were you this silly before you were inflatable?" Ryoga questioned in an idle tone, raising his hands to rub at Ranma's softly-sloshing leg, the latex skin yielding under the carress of his fingers.
"Probably not," Ranma replied with a smirk, her heavy, water-filled breasts resting low in the water. "Being an oversized love doll tends to affect one's personality."

Lethal Froggie- I would think that it would tick most women off, but Ranma seems to be taking it rather well.

Rising up, water streaking down her slick, rubbery skin, she moved forward to kiss Ryoga adoringly, water-filled breasts flattening against his chest. Mmming, Ryoga kissed back, closing his eyes, their tongues entwining, Ranma's curling around Ryoga's a bit more than was humanly possible. Drawing back a little, the balloon girl leered at her beloved. "I have an idea for something you might like..."

Lethal Froggie- Uh oh.

Ruki- That’s never a good thing to hear in a lemon.

"You've been studying that book again," Ryoga murmured, halfway between trepidation and anticipation.
"Of course I've been studying that book again!" She whapped him on the shoulder, which made a sound like a water balloon bouncing off of someone without breaking. "But it says that, once you get to a certain point.... here, I'll show ya. Get outta the furo and lay down on the floor."
Giving Ranma a look that said 'I hope you know what you're doing', Ryoga did as directed, climbing out and laying down. Ranma climbed out as well, and except for jiggling more than was usual for a human, even her before her transformation, she seemed to weigh and look about the same as a regular human. Until, of course, she lowered her opacity back down to where she was nearly transparent. Smirking, Ranma squatted down and tickled at the bottom of Ryoga's foot with a little *squeaky squeaky*, which didn't help Ryoga in surpressing his giggled. "I heard in psychology class that men have deep, dark secret dreams about returning to the womb..."

Ruki- Quoting Freud before sex is never, ever a good thing…

Lethal Froggie- My poor Freud, what has this lemon done to you? *sob*

Soraat- And now, with that disturbing thought, we leave you…but first, a commercial break!

*Commercial Break!*

And now, time for more Lemon Libs!

"When did you stay awake in class...?" Ryoga muttered, looking at Ranma skeptically.
"When they talked about
*fun activity*. Just relax, okay? I think you're really gonna like this..." Licking her *body part*, bracing herself as it were, Ranma pressed Ryoga's big toe up into her *euphemism for vagina*. Controlling her reaction to her intensely sensitive *name of kitten* being penetrated, Ranma kept pressing, the rest of his *noun* stretching the malleable substance to let them pass, and then the foot itself, pushing in past the ankle. Ranma had to *verb* and lean her head back, moaning.
Ryoga gulped as he watched his foot slide into Ranma, feeling her *noun* all around him, seeing that part of him inside her; his *euphemism for penis* was *adjective*, throbbing almost achingly where it rested against the *name of muscle*. Ranma soon had the *adjective with unpleasant connotations to Peter Pan* second foot inside her alongside the first, and was *two body noises* as she pushed down along his legs. Ryoga *verb* as he felt Ranma's *name of a cat* stretching to accommodate him, and her warm, *noun with balloonish connotations* around his legs. His *direction* arched as he felt that *rubbery adjective* *euphemism for vagina* press his *unnecessary anatomical detail*, then that too was inside her, both of them crying out as *two body parts rubbing against each other*. Ryoga forced his hands to his *location noun*, eyes fixed on Ranma's *noun*, watching his lower body *verb* into her. He could feel his *euphemism for penis* amidst the *liquid* inside her, but watching and feeling *pronoun* slide along her stomach from the inside, pressing the *adjective* skin out, was too much for him. He *un-manly noise* out, loudly, but refused to let his *body part* shut. watching his *Euphemism for penis* shoot milky spurts into the water inside his lover.
Soon, Ranma's body was stretching around nearly all of Ryoga's body. Only his head remained outside of her, and Ryoga took this opportunity to *verb for something that sounds like some kind of kinky sexual torture*, carefully using his *animal body part having no business on a human* on the *unnecessary comment on Ramna’s rubbery flesh, causing the reader to grasp at his/her own sanity*. He heard Ranma moan, and felt a *seismological noun* go through her entire body, which in turn *verb conjugated in the wrong tense* his entire body. *vague description trying to justify how the hell Ryoga is being pulled into Ranma at this point*.
"*Brief and vague foray into common sense by Ryoga, wondering how the hell this is all possible*”
"*dialogue on Ranma’s part dismissing Ryoga’s brief stint with common sense and Ryoga’s own welfare*.
"*Orgasmic begging on the part of Ranma*"
"Okay... I trust you..." Ryoga nodded as much as he was able, then closed his eyes, and felt warmth and wetness close in around him. Completely and totally surrounded by Ranma, the *Another comment tying this sordid lemon to Peter Pan* reflexively curled up into a fetal ball, relaxing, despite the fact that being so totally immersed in the one he loved had his *trite metaphor referring to Ryoga’s erection*. *Oedipal sexual instance, destroying what little sanity the reader had left*, though he remained still, *More sexual euphemisms* *phrase which makes little sense when compared to the sexual euphemisms before it*. Slowly, lulled by the all-surrounding warmth and safety and love, Ryoga was fast asleep.

The *another Peter Pan reference* came awake slowly and luxuriously, with a long, *obsure, archaic, or made-up word* yawn. He looked down to find Ranma laying atop him, reduced into her teenage appearance but still warm and *water balloon-ish adjective* from water filling her. ‘*reference to Ranma ‘giving birth’ to Ryoga*' Ryoga thought, leaning down to kiss the smooth, damp surface of the top of Ranma's head. His hand stroked over her back softly, indenting the latex, but Ranma only stirred a little.
'Well, I'll let her sleep,' he decided with a smile.
*yet another reference to Ranma giving birth to a Teenage boy. The readers commit themselves to an asylum now*

*End of Commercial break!*

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